November Rain (Call Me Back Home)
by RainIsMyFavouriteColour
Summary: Sequel to 'Our Moment is Now', doesn't necessarily have to be read first to make sense. Supernatural themes, T for death mention as well as a slightly graphic scene in chapter 3. Based on He Is We songs 'Our July in The Rain', 'Forever and Ever'. Eijun is dead. Isn't he? But why does Kazuya keep seeing him everywhere? Is he going crazy or is there another explanation?
1. Why'd I have to go and do you like that?

_Bring me back to holding hands in the rain_

 _I've had time and I've had change_  
 _I've been broken but still I can't explain_  
 _Our July in the rain_

 _Why'd I have to go and do you like that?_  
 _Thought I'd moved on, then you brought me right back_  
 _To the night you took my kiss away from me_  
 _I took yours too, then I lost you_

* * *

It's raining.

The seemingly never ending waterfall from the sky almost feels as if it's crying the tears that Kazuya can't. His eyes are deceptively dry as he stares upward, tuning out the crowd in black surrounding him. All he can think is that this isn't the kind of goodbye Eijun would have wanted, all sombre, filled with crying, soft sniffles and a cloudy sky.

The rain makes a regular drumming noise on top of his umbrella, vaguely similar to a dancing rhythm.

He somehow manages to go through the motions, forces himself to nod and make affirmative noises when spoken to and generally does what's expected of him. Eventually, finally, it's over and Kazuya can escape the suffocating atmosphere after making a minimal amount of conversation with Eijun's parents without being considered impolite.

Kazuya breaks away from the all in black procession and starts to briskly walk toward his car. He can feel his walls start to crumble and while he's done a lot of crying the past few weeks, he can't get himself to do it in front of anyone but the person whose funeral they all just attended. If he can just make it to the car, just a few more meters –

"Kazuya."

He stops when he hears his name being called, back stiff. If it had been anyone else and spoken in something other than that exhausted, sad tone, Kazuya would have just kept walking. So he turns, trying to look stoic but unaware of the lines of weariness and grief on his face.

"What is it?"

"We…I just wanted to let you know that we're here for you." Youichi tells him, indicating the rest of the people who have gathered here today with a nod. His eyes are red-rimmed and the white in them an irritated pink from crying so much. Even his voice sounds stuffy. Kazuya glances over at them, his eyes flashing briefly in pain as he spots the tall tombstone hidden partially by the crowd. The only clearly identifiable people from where they are standing are the Kominatos; their bright pink hair sets them apart from the blacks and greys surrounding them. _A little bit more of colour and life_. He looks back at Youichi, not quite smiling but something like it.

"Thank you." Kazuya says, hoping he sounds more grateful than he feels. He can't feel anything but that hollow space in his chest where his happiness, his love, his heart used to be. He doesn't touch on it more than that because he knows it will be a gaping wound that won't stop bleeding if he does. He prefers the numbness, at least for now. _Eijun would be so much stronger_.

Kazuya blinks as he can feel that tell-tale hot haze building up behind his eyes. Youichi's hand lands on his shoulder and he looks up again.

"We're getting together tonight. Want to come?" Youichi hopes that his friend will take him up on the offer. He knows Kazuya isn't the type of person to show his emotions easily to anyone (except Eijun), but even so he noticed how much Kazuya has been struggling the last couple of months. Ever since Eijun's death a scarce week ago, Kazuya has become even more closed off, nothing that isn't to be expected really. But Youichi wants to make things just a little bit easier for him after he's suffered right alongside Eijun for so long. He deserves a break and some distraction.

As expected, however, Kazuya shakes his head, his glasses reflecting Youichi's face back at him instead showing Kazuya's eyes. "Sorry, I can't tonight. Busy."

They both know it's a lie but Youichi can't bring himself to voice his doubt, not when it's so obvious how fragile Kazuya is behind this mask he's wearing. So he just nods and squeezes his shoulder.

"Alright. Take care."

Kazuya nods and once more turns to go. Youichi watches him for a moment, wanting to say something but not sure how.

"If you change your mind, you're always welcome to join. Or come over, when you need to." he calls after him, the few meters separating them feeling like a chasm. Kazuya lifts his hand in acknowledgment but doesn't turn around. Youichi stays where he is until he has disappeared from sight, the rain making the air look misty.

Kazuya hasn't looked back, not once.

The sky is a brilliant blue, perfect for pitching.

That is, if Kazuya could be persuaded to catch for him. He's much too studious for his liking. Eijun catches the baseball he tossed into the air just a moment before, glancing sideways from the couch he's lying on, to Kazuya's bent head in front of him. Quiet scribbling noises are coming from his direction. Eijun assumes he's taking notes for one of the various boring subjects he's picked. His own schoolwork is in his bag which has been carelessly tossed to the other end of the couch earlier and then ignored.

Eijun lifts himself up enough to be able to put his head on Kazuya's shoulder, squinting at the small writing on the paper in front of him.

"What'cha doing?"

"Studying, bakamura. Same thing you should be doing." Kazuya gives back without missing a beat. He turns his head sideways, bumping his nose to Eijun's teasingly. "Do you want to fail your finals and not get into a good university?"

"I can think of much more fun things to do."

"Want to know what's fun? Not failing."

"Want to know what's not fun? You." Eijun falls back onto the couch, resuming his game of toss-and-catch. "You know how you could be much more fun? By catching my pitches."

Kazuya turns at his sullen tone, a fond but exasperated look on his face. "Tell you what, I'll make you a deal. Come study with me for an hour or so and I'll catch ten of your pitches."

"Only ten?" Eijun pouts, shaking his head. "I cleared time in my very busy schedule just for you and you want me to study? Nah."

"Hmm, are you sure?" Kazuya grins mischievously, coming up on his knees to lean over Eijun. He stares up at Kazuya with wide eyes, watching him come closer until their lips meet. His heart beats erratically in his chest. It's true that Eijun comes to visit Kazuya whenever he can but it's still new that they can just do this so casually, that he is allowed to touch Kazuya like this. Eijun's arms are just starting to wind around him when he can feel Kazuya grin against his lips before detaching himself. "I can't persuade you at all?"

"Huh?" Eijun's eyes are glazed over. "What was the question?"

Kazuya's smirking now and sits back down, patting the place next to him. "Just come here, idiot."

They have a short staring contest which ends in Eijun blushing and looking to the side as he grudgingly slides down the couch.

"This is worth at least twenty pitches." he grumbles as he gets out his notes and puts them on the coffee table. He shivers involuntarily. "Hey, did you leave all the windows open again? You're going to get a cold if you keep doing that throughout winter."

Eijun looks up and freezes.

Kazuya is gone and there are no notes anywhere to be seen. The apartment looks strangely drained of colour and when he looks again, he can see it's not even Kazuya and Youichi's. It still feels familiar though. He stands up, looking around.

He's definitely still in a living room and that's definitely still the couch he was lying on earlier. He can see into the kitchen from here. Eijun starts to walk around, recognising more and more. As he passes through a doorway into a corridor, he rounds a corner with a strange feeling of dread welling up inside him. It intensifies as he keeps walking toward a door at the end of it. It's made of plain wood, unpainted to let the natural colour show, and slightly ajar as if someone had just left. Eijun hesitates slightly before entering.

It's a bedroom with a double bed. The daylight shining in through the window is duller than Eijun knows it to be, the sound of rain beating down on the glass and turning it blurry. The watery beam of sunlight falls right on to the left side of the bed, highlighting how perfectly made and untouched all of it is. His eyes wander around the room, familiarising himself with it. They still on a framed picture on a nightstand beside the right side of the bed. It shows a laughing couple, one man wearing a pair of thick framed glasses and the other with much too familiar amber eyes. Both look indescribably happy as they show off the two golden bands on their ring fingers.

Then memory slams into Eijun and he sinks to the floor with a baffling realisation.

"Oh my god."

"Hey, Kazuya."

Kazuya looked up from his book which was propped up on Eijun's legs laid across his lap.

"Yeah?"

Eijun didn't answer right away. He was looking straight up at the ceiling, his face all serious lines and frowns. Kazuya had a sinking feeling in his stomach at the sight and closed the book. "What's wrong?"

Eijun glanced at him, swallowing heavily at seeing the genuine worry in his boyfriend's eyes. He squeezed his eyes shut, the words he had to say lying heavily on his tongue and making nausea curl in his stomach. It growled as if in agreement.

"Are you hungry? I can make lunch. I'm not letting you inside the kitchen after you nearly burned it down that time." Kazuya said teasingly, trying to diffuse the obvious tension. He pushed Eijun's legs off his lap, a little surprised at the lack of resistance. Kazuya paused for a second, hesitant.

"Kazuya." Eijun sat up, reaching out for his hand. He pulled him back down to sit opposite of him. He swallowed again but forced himself not to look away, his grip on Kazuya's hand tightening just a little. "I-"

"You…?" Kazuya prompted, tense, when Eijun didn't continue for several seconds. He had a bad feeling about this. He didn't really want to know whatever it was that his boyfriend had to say. But at the same time he did; he didn't want Eijun to worry. It wasn't something he did, something he should be doing. Eijun was loud, obnoxiously so, and confident, not quiet and unsure. Kazuya leaned forward, his free hand reaching out to touch his cheek. Eijun barely flinched away from the movement but it was enough for Kazuya to notice. He dropped his hand back to his side, limp and cold. Eijun's eyes flickered away briefly before dull amber fixed on his face.

"I can't see you anymore."

Kazuya's blood turned to ice.

 _'_ _I can't see you anymore.'_

 _What?_

Had Kazuya done something wrong? Was it something he said? He had thought they were happy. Had Kazuya read the signs wrong? Then there was that thing about them attending different universities, but he had thought they worked around it pretty well. Sure, it wasn't ideal but –

"Kazuya." Eijun watched Kazuya's face anxiously. It had shut down into the neutral mask he wore when something caught him particularly off guard. Eijun couldn't blame him. He would never have thought this would happen either. He didn't want it to but he had no choice. Kazuya abruptly let go of his hand.

"Why?" Kazuya finally made himself ask. It took a lot of conscious effort for him to make his vocal chords work and even so his voice sounded like it wasn't quite real.

Now Eijun did look away. This hurt more than he had thought it would, not a clean cut but a jagged one that bled at the edges and burned. "My family –"

"Your family?" Kazuya echoed, disbelief seeping into his voice. "Why now?" _Why not a year ago?_

 _Don't do this._

"It's – it's not –" Eijun interrupted himself, frustrated tears building up in his eyes. He reached up to muss his hair. "It's complicated."

"Yeah, family tends to be." Kazuya said dryly, crossing his arms. Amber eyes flashed over at him, maybe in surprise, maybe in annoyance. In Pain. Kazuya's throat felt tight. "Doesn't really explain anything though."

"Stop that." Eijun snapped at Kazuya's cold, mocking tone and a lurking smirk on his face. It wasn't the one he knew; this one was cruel. "Do you think I want to do this?"

"Well, I don't know, do you? When has whatever anyone else says kept you from doing what you want?" Kazuya countered, involuntarily getting louder. Eijun's eyes were wide, mouth open. "What's changed now?"

"I – look, I can't tell you anything different than what I just did." Eijun paused. "They're worried about me. That you're distracting me, that I can't concentrate on what I need to."

"Am I?" The question came out soft, more vulnerable than Kazuya wanted. There was another pause, one that stretched on into uncomfortable and telling silence. "I see."

"Kazuya –" Eijun came toward him, reaching out but he stepped back a bit, eyes shuttered.

Kazuya couldn't do this. He didn't understand. He didn't want to. He already felt cold even though the one person who made him feel warm was right there. All Kazuya had to do was reach out and stop him from leaving. It shouldn't be this hard, but his tongue felt like lead and his head full of fog.

"Are you…is this going to make you happy?"

Eijun stared at Kazuya with wide eyes. His voice was still monotone, his eyes hidden behind reflective glasses. It broke his heart more than his actions already had. "I –"

"Anyone home?"

They both flinched at Kuramochi's voice ringing out from the entrance. Eijun averted his gaze and stooped down to get his bag from beside the couch.

"I should go."

Kazuya watched Eijun leave without a word, without moving. He was frozen even though his head, his heart was telling him to go after him. There was an aborted greeting from Kuramochi followed by the slam of a door shutting. The sound echoed inside Kazuya's head.

Kuramochi emerged from the doorway, eyebrows raised high.

"What the hell was that about?"

His roommate's question made Kazuya tear his eyes away from the doorway and look at him. Kuramochi blinked at the intense emotion he saw on his face, becoming wary. "What did you do?"

It was almost comical to see Kazuya open and close his mouth as he searched for words to say. But what he said next didn't make Kuramochi want to laugh.

"I think I just got dumped."

Kazuya doesn't know how or when he made it back to the apartment. Because that's what it is now, not _home_. He's semi-aware of fumbling for his keys and turning them inside the lock. The click magnifies in the silence that awaits him behind the door and when it swings open, he doesn't enter.

Kazuya stares into the darkness, listening for awful music and the accompanying not so awful singing which never come. The corridor stays dark and empty, silent. He swallows heavily, switching on the light and steps inside. He closes the door behind him, sliding down until he sits on the floor. Tilting his head upward, Kazuya closes his eyes. He doesn't stop the tears from running down the sides of his face, doesn't clench his jaw to stop the pathetic sobbing noises from escaping. He's been strong enough for today.

Eijun doesn't know how long he's been sitting on the bedroom floor, head reeling with his discovery.

"This can't be happening. I must be dreaming – that's it! This is a nightmare, it's not real. It can't be." he whispers frantically to himself, holding his head. "It's not real, it's not real –"

He stops and looks up at the sound of a door opening somewhere nearby. Eijun stands, eyes catching on the mirror on the front side of the closet inside the room. They widen when he can't see anything in them. He has no reflection. Then he narrows his eyes, squinting until he can spot a faint outline. Next Eijun tries to glance at himself from the corner of his eye, catching the clearest silhouette yet. "Huh."

More noises draw his attention back to the direction from where he heard the door opening. They sound suspiciously like crying. Like very familiar crying. Eijun's whole body stiffens, chest seizing up at the heart-breaking sound. He starts moving toward the source as if on autopilot. His feet carry him to where he knows the front door is. They don't stop until they stand right in front of him.

"Kazuya." Eijun breathes more than speaks, looking down at him. He crouches down until he's on eyelevel with him, reaching out to wipe away the tears that steadily seep out of Kazuya's closed eyes. He can't stand to see him like this. To Eijun's shock, his hand goes right through Kazuya.

Kazuya shivers, a cold breeze blowing across his face. He wonders if he forgot to close a window before leaving today. Wiping his eyes roughly on his sleeve, he stands up to check. When he moves forward, he shivers again.

"I should really remember to close all the doors and windows before winter comes." he tells himself, not really caring either way. But Kazuya can't stand the silence anymore. Once, it was his friend but it hasn't been for a long time. And now, it's back to be his companion, whether Kazuya wants it or not. It will stay, regardless of if he is ready or not.

Kazuya shakes his head to get rid of the thought, striding into the living room to check the windows there first.

Eijun stands completely still as Kazuya literally walks through him before he shivers. The inevitable truth is starting to sink in.

He slowly turns to see Kazuya walk into the living room. Once again, his body moves as if on its own accord. Eijun sticks close to Kazuya's side as he checks the whole apartment for something, muttering under his breath and shivering.

"Weird." Kazuya sneezes, rubbing his hands together for warmth. "Maybe there's a leak somewhere. I should talk to the building manager."

Eijun backs off a bit, realising that maybe he's the reason Kazuya's so cold all of the sudden. He always had the lower average temperature out of them but this isn't so normal unless he's getting sick. That thought prompts Eijun to come forward again, wanting to put a hand to Kazuya's forehead until he belatedly remembers he can't.

Kazuya glances to the side out of habit and catches sight of a blurred but still recognisable silhouette. His eyes widen as he directs them at the exact spot, heartbeat quickening in a bit of fear and exhilaration.

It's empty. There's nothing to see except the couch and behind that the coffee table and TV set as well as the bookshelf.

Kazuya slumps in disappointment, then laughs at himself a bit bitterly.

"Seeing ghosts now, am I? If I'm this bad now, I'm looking forward to in half a year's time."

"Kazuya, I'm here." Eijun says clearly, even waving one of his hands in front of his face. Kazuya doesn't react except for another sneeze and Eijun drops the hand. It clenches by his side, the same way his heart does which is weird because he didn't think that ghosts were able to feel their body like this. He feels completely solid except for the part that apparently he can't touch anything. _But I pushed the door open earlier…_

Kazuya goes into the kitchen, turning up the radio full-blast until Eijun's favourite station blares throughout the whole apartment. It makes him cry but also comforts him; the positive in this case is marginally higher than the negative. His stomach clenches in hunger but Kazuya foregoes making dinner. Even if his stomach is empty, he doesn't feel like he can eat anything right now.

"You look like shit. Haven't you eaten anything lately? How about sleep?" Eijun continues following Kazuya as he gets ready to sleep. He knows that Kazuya can't hear him but that doesn't mean he's giving up. He also knows that the way Kazuya looks right now most likely has to do with him, but it hurts Eijun to see him like this. And if pretending that everything is normal will help, that Kazuya can see and hear him, that Eijun isn't _dead_ , then he will do it.

Kazuya pauses in front of the door to the bedroom. He's spent more time in there this past week than he wants to admit though he never sleeps in there. He can't get himself to. Every night, he stands at the door and goes inside, staring at the bed. He recalls their last dance and what happened after. Kazuya remembers Eijun's last words and the exact moment he just _knew_ that Eijun had passed.

Tonight is no different. Kazuya goes inside, only absentmindedly wondering if he left the door open this wide when he left. He sits down on the edge of the bed, fingers trailing across the smooth, cold surface of the made bed and eyes looking at the framed photo of Eijun and him. It was taken as soon as Eijun's hair started growing back since he insisted on replacing the one taken at their official wedding. Kazuya blinks as he can feel tears gathering again. He's kind of glad now that they did take a new photo even though he's kept the old one hidden in the same frame.

Eijun sits down beside Kazuya carefully, keeping himself at a distance so he doesn't make him shiver. His brows furrow, lips tightening into a thin line when he can see the shine in Kazuya's eyes.

"Why?"

The question comes out sounding broken and Eijun blinks, surprised to feel his own eyes pricking with tears at the raw pain in Kazuya's voice.

"I don't know. I'm sorry." Eijun feels compelled to answer. Kazuya doesn't react, only keeps staring the photo. "I'm so sorry. I wish…I wish you knew I was here."

Somehow, Kazuya finds the willpower to stand. He starts toward the door, looking back over his shoulder at the bed. He doesn't know why but he finds himself going back and hesitantly lying down on it. He takes the photo and sets it on the pillow on the left side of the bed before taking off his glasses. Somehow, tonight, something feels different. Maybe Kazuya will be able to sleep a little easier though there's no reason he should. It's just a feeling he has.

Eijun lays down beside Kazuya, again keeping a bit of distance because he worries despite Kazuya being covered by a blanket. His exhaustion is clear in the frown lines that have never looked this deep or in the dark circles underneath his eyes. He was jittery before too, but now he's starting to at least look a little less troubled, the crease between his eyebrows smoothing and his breathing evening out until it's clear Kazuya is asleep. Eijun smiles at the sight. It's a smile full of fondness but also sorrow. He doesn't know what he's doing here, why he's here and not, well, dead.

But Eijun isn't complaining. This isn't what he wanted but he learned that one didn't always get what one wants. Only hard work will ensure that...and Eijun isn't giving up until he gets what he wants. No, this isn't exactly it but it's a start.

The next morning, Kazuya awakes to switched off lights despite not remembering having turned them off and the very familiar melody of a particular song playing on the radio.


	2. I recall a smile, a kiss

_Home is where you are_  
 _Kind of tragic that I left your side_  
 _Left your side, left your side_  
 _I recall a smile, a kiss_  
 _When the sun did rise_  
 _By your side, I was by your side_

 _Gotta tell you how it feels now  
I'm ready to fall_

 _Every part of me is broken now_  
 _I tried to scream but nothing came out_  
 _Drop my pride and I reveal my inside_  
 _And it all came pouring out_

Eijun stared down at his blank phone screen, tempted to unlock it for the millionth time today to check his messages. It lit up when he pressed the home button. He felt the familiar ache of disappointment at the notification-less screen, swallowing as his eyes involuntarily fastened to the background picture.

It was of Kazuya and him, taken recently after they had managed to organise a practice game with each other's respective baseball teams. They'd both been sweaty and dirty, Eijun exhilarated to have won against Kazuya for the first time. Kazuya hadn't seemed to mind, judging by his smile and one arm casually slung over Eijun's shoulder. Looking at the picture now, remembering the feeling of winning didn't want to come. He couldn't recall the taste of victory, just that of hollow bitterness.

The screen went black again and Eijun could only stare for a moment before he pressed once again, determinedly swiping to the side. His thumb hovered over the messaging app.

"Ei-chan?"

Eijun looked up at the nickname, rolling his eyes and forcing a mock-scowl on his face in an attempt to hide his true feelings.

"I told you to stop calling me that, Harucchi."

"I'll stop calling you that when you stop calling me 'Harucchi'. _Ei-chan_." Haruichi gave back easily, teasing him as slid his backpack off his shoulder and deposited it on the bed on his side of the dorm room. "I just came to get ready for practice. You'd better show up this time, coach wasn't pleased with you when you missed the last one."

In truth, Haruichi had also come to check up on his best friend. He knew about the breakup, had even tried to persuade Eijun not to follow through. Clearly, he had failed – which now resulted in a strangely quiet, sad version of Eijun he had not seen since when he had had the yips in their first year at Seidou. Really, it may not even be an exaggeration to say that Eijun actually seemed marginally worse this time around. It showed in his behaviour, his grades and even his pitching. That had always been influenced by his emotions but usually he was always able to pull himself out of a slump. Except this time around, that is. This had been going on for weeks, resulting in infrequent, missed practice sessions and more and more inaccurate pitching. It didn't just annoy the team and their coach but also worried everyone. Eijun was just the type of person to draw in everyone he came into contact with, purposefully or not, and his state of being influenced the team much more than anyone was willing to admit.

Haruichi only got an affirmative noise from Eijun but saw no move from the pitcher to actually get up from where he sat slumped on his bed. Haruichi went to his closet, pulling off his shirt as he went in search for his practice uniform.

"Kimura said he'd catch twenty extra pitches if you got to practice on time." he tried to tempt Eijun. The third year student was their best catcher and had recently been scouted to play for a professional team. His term would start in autumn, so until then Kimura would still be on the university team. And given that both of them were first years, it was quite a feat to be taken notice of by such a prominent player.

Eijun barely even heard what Haruichi was saying. He was still staring at the text bubbles on his phone, re-reading the last messages Kazuya and he had exchanged. They were dated just over three weeks ago and filled with their usual bickering. Kazuya had even written 'bakamura', a nickname Eijun had never been fond of. But right now, seeing it didn't do anything but make his vision go blurry as he felt a dull ache in his chest. _Kazuya_.

"Eijun?"

The clear worry and edge of desperation in Haruichi's voice finally made Eijun look up as he hastily blinked away the oncoming tears. His best friend stood by the door, a hesitant look on his face; even his eyes were visible and reflected his tone just now.

"Uh, yeah. Coming." Eijun stood up, aggressively wiping at his eyes with his sleeve. He grabbed his practice uniform from his closet, deciding to change in the change rooms and immediately started chattering at Haruichi as they both left. It was a poor disguise, but Haruichi pretended it worked for Eijun's sake.

Eijun's phone stayed on the bed where it had been tossed earlier, the screen black. It was only later, while they were still out, that it started ringing. The melody was that of a familiar waltz, accompanied by a lit up picture of Kazuya.

Kazuya shivers, wondering if he's coming down with a cold. He's been constantly turning up the heat whenever he is at the apartment. He usually tries to avoid going back as much as possible, but he isn't just cold there, he's cold at practice, the few times he's gone to visit Youichi and Wakana's cozy, heated flat. Kazuya makes sure to wear layers, unnecessarily many of them, and drinks so much piping hot tea and coffee that he is sure he's running more on caffeine than actual energy at this point.

Just a couple of days ago, he got chewed out by his team's coach during practice after missing the fifth pitch in a row – a disgrace for the best catcher on one of Japan's best teams and thought to have been an impossibility before that day. This is how he finds himself at Youichi's office today – the hospital offers regular appointments for things such as check-ups but Kazuya can't get himself to go back. Not after all the time he's been forced to spend there. _I could happily live out the rest of my life without ever stepping foot in a hospital again_.

Strictly speaking, Youichi's office is still located on hospital grounds, but it's part of a small complex of buildings off to the side specifically for casual visits. Kazuya supposes he could have gone somewhere else but he knows he hasn't been himself lately. He's been stagnant, doing nothing but practise obsessively, sleep and eat before repeating the cycle over and over again. The latter two, he does less than is advised, but baseball is the only way he can distract himself from the gaping hole in his chest. Seeing a friend may be a healthier distraction than what he's done so far though.

A small flicker of a movement from the corner of his eye catches Kazuya's attention. It pulls him out of the depressing thoughts elicited by the white, sterile walls and silent corridor, replacing them with a racing heartbeat. A familiar rush accompanies it, a mix of fear and anticipation, when he recognises a well-loved silhouette and a flash of amber for just a split second. For a moment he can even hear his name being called by that voice he misses so much. But then he looks directly at the source and he deflates, greeted by nothing but cold air and empty silence.

He shouldn't be disappointed, Kazuya tells himself. It's been happening a lot lately, too much in fact. Other things too, like finding the radio switched on even he's sure he turned it off or doors open when they should be closed. It should be unsettling and it is, a bit, but he also feels like his name is being called a lot in a very familiar way, like he can hear loud, warm laughter - or even see flashes of amber eyes. Like Kazuya can feel _him_ and it all constantly reminds him of what, _who_ , he lost. It's too much and not enough. Kazuya squeezes his eyes shut, trying to ignore that vicious stab of pain and disappointment from allowing himself to be weak and hope. _Ridiculous. He's dead. Get it into your head._ One hand unconsciously clenches around the ring hung from a thin chain around his neck, its twin on his own finger.

Eijun swallows when Kazuya slumps back down, hands covering his face as he takes in controlled breaths. Eijun reaches out toward him, his hand hovering above his head. He wishes he could feel Kazuya's warmth and when he closes his eyes, he can fool himself into believing that he can.

"Kazuya?"

Both of them look up at Youichi's voice, a worried look on his face. To Eijun he almost looks like a stranger, out of his scrubs and instead dressed in a lab coat with a stethoscope slung around his neck. Kazuya stands up and comes toward him, Eijun right behind him.

"You don't look so good. Are you sick?" Youichi asks Kazuya, eyes narrowed as he scrutinises him. Kazuya looks worse than right after the funeral about a month ago and that's saying something. His skin has an unhealthy greyish tint to it and he's been wearing far too many layers for this late spring weather. Granted, some of that can be blamed on grief but...

Kazuya rolls his eyes but doesn't smirk.

"I don't know. I'm here to find out. Got time for a check-up?"

They both disappear into Youichi's office, quietly conversing. Eijun makes to follow when he spots a young girl crouched beside the row of chairs Kazuya was sitting in before. He stands for a moment, hesitant if he should try to talk to her or if it is pointless anyway when she looks up at him. They hold eye contact for a few seconds and it becomes clear to Eijun that she can, in fact, see him. He crouches down until he's on eyelevel with her.

"Hello. What's your name?" Eijun asks, a smile on his face. He has no idea what is considered part of ghost etiquette, but somehow he doesn't think that asking "What are you doing here?" or "So, how did you die?" are appropriate questions to ask.

"You can see me." It's a statement, not a question. The girl completely ignores what he asked, looking at him in wonder and then suspicion. "Who are you? What are you doing here?"

So much for ghost etiquette. Then again, Eijun hasn't come across anyone like himself until now and he doesn't particularly feel like wandering around invisible by himself for the rest of eternity.

"I'm Sawamura Eijun." he volunteers, trying to sound calming so the girl doesn't run away like she looks like she's about to do. "I'm here with a…friend."

The girl stares at him for a few more seconds, eyes flickering over to the door Kazuya and Youichi disappeared through, before nodding once.

"I'm Hinata."

"Like the flower?"

The girl's face splits into smile and she nods excitedly.

"Sunflower. It's my favourite."

"It's mine too. It's a pretty flower and name." Eijun adds as he sits across from her and Hinata nods in agreement. There's another short silence during which he thinks over whether he can ask or not and then decides to go for it. "So, why are you here?"

Hinata doesn't answer right away, just keeps staring, unblinking, then looks down.

"My daddy brought me here after I had an accident."

 _Poor girl. She doesn't look much older than six or seven, maybe._

"I'm sorry to hear that." Eijun says sincerely. He can't even imagine the pain her parents went through. Hinata looks up again, eyes wide and with a slight smile.

"No, it's okay. They'll wake me up soon. I just know it."

At that, Eijun can't help but feel surprised and then excited. _Wake up?_

"But…aren't you…dead?" he asks carefully, voice quieting at the end. It isn't like him to be so cautious, but he doesn't want to hurt her feelings or get his hopes up.

Hinata's wide eyes grow even bigger and she shakes her head so vigorously Eijun worries it might come off.

"What? Of course not!" She suddenly stands, waiting for him to do the same. He does so, after a few stunned moments, and then proceeds to follow her. He does look back over his shoulder at Youichi's office, not wanting to leave Kazuya, but when he hears Hinata calling him impatiently, he quickly catches up to her. Eijun's too curious to pass up this opportunity.

She leads them into a different building, not far away from Youichi, and they come to a stop in front of a single room with windows separating it from the corridor. The blinds are open, allowing them look inside without a visible barrier. Hinata stands on her tiptoes, pointing at the lone figure laying inside.

"That's me."

Eijun stares. He can see a slight resemblance between the Hinata here and the girl on the other side of the wall, but there are more differences than similarities.

To start with, the Hinata in the room is a teenager. She's also hooked up to several devices via tubes which disappear inside her body, mostly hidden by her blanket. She has a breathing mask over her face. The only sign she's asleep and not dead is the very slight rise and fall of her chest as her lungs get pumped full of air regularly. And the biggest difference of all is how _frail_ this sleeping Hinata looks. Her skin is so pale it looks translucent, the visible part of her arms uncovered by the blanket or hospital gown are stick thin. Eijun glances down at the younger Hinata beside him, how she's beaming at the figure in the bed. She looks like an ordinary child, her hair parted in two pigtails and wearing a bright orange, cozy sweater with some kind of cartoon animal emblazoned on the front. Healthy and happy. She looks up at him, catches him looking and grins brightly. Something in Eijun's chest clenches uncomfortably at the sight of that gap-toothed smile.

"My daddy always tells me how pretty I am." Hinata tells him seriously, then looks back at her older self. "I like it when he visits. He talks to me all the time."

"What about your moth- your mommy?" Eijun realises she only mentioned her father so far. Hinata suddenly looks a bit insecure, chewing her lip.

"I don't know."

She looks at such a loss that he hastily backtracks.

"Sorry, sorry, it's not important." He searches for something else to say and blurts, "So, umm, how come you were waiting over there? If you're…your…is here." Eijun doesn't really want to say "your body", so he gestures at older Hinata. He's not sure his distraction works until Hinata beams. She somehow seems to understand what he's saying even he's sure he made no sense. His relief at her smile makes the knot in his chest a little looser.

"My daddy always comes that way, so I wait for him until he comes back."

The admission that she apparently can't leave this place and misses her father so much that she waits for his return even when she has no idea when that will be, makes Eijun feel a deep sadness for her and suddenly reminds him of his own parents. A hollow ache in his chest makes him aware that he misses them too... and that they must miss him. But he smiles, shaking the pain off; Hinata is the bigger priority right now. He holds out his hand toward her on instinct.

"Want to go back? I can wait with you for a little while."

Eijun hopes it's true; he doesn't want Kazuya to be sick but neither does he want to leave this girl by herself just yet. It's highly unlikely that anything will happen to her, but there's a part of him that wants to stay with her. Maybe because her name fits her so perfectly, maybe because she resembles a little ball of sunshine, or maybe because she reminds him of himself a little bit.

Eijun is surprised but immeasurably pleased when Hinata takes his hand – actually touches him. She doesn't feel warm or cold, simply solid. But it's incredibly comforting all the same. He grins down at her and she mirrors his face expression, eyes squished shut at how broadly she's grinning.

"Thank you. I'd like that very much."

Kazuya had been brooding over his phone for over an hour by the time Youichi came home. Several empty cans of beer littered the coffee table, another one open and forgotten in front of him. The phone's screen stayed black unless he clicked on it which he had done nearly without pause.

Three weeks. That was how long he hadn't talked to Eijun, heard his voice or seen him.

Well, that wasn't strictly true; Kazuya had several photos of him saved on his camera roll, a fact he had kept from Eijun. It was embarrassing how many times he had flicked through them since the breakup and even worse how often he had been close to crying.

But the point was that Kazuya hadn't seen him in person and, god, how he missed that, missed Eijun. He missed his ridiculous face expressions, how easy he was to rile up, how natural it felt to banter and simply be himself around him. He missed the kisses, the touches, how incredibly warm Eijun always felt, no matter if they were pressed up together skin on skin or curled up together on the too small couch to watch a movie or just talk.

Nowadays, Kazuya was always cold.

He had tried to keep his distance. He hadn't contacted Eijun at all since that night, no matter how much he wanted to. He had to respect that idiot's decision, no matter how infuriatingly stupid it was. He even had half a mind to call him just to yell at him; but no matter how much he was pining right now, Kazuya still had some pride left and wouldn't beg.

He was beginning to wonder if Youichi was on to something with calling both of them 'idiots' constantly.

So how exactly had Kazuya ended up in this situation, drunk off of cheap, canned beer and staring at his phone like a lovesick teenager?

"Fuck, did you drink all of my beer? I thought you didn't even like it!" Youichi slammed the fridge door shut, beyond irritated. He'd just come home from a long day at uni and then the afternoon/evening shift at work. He was in a bad mood. All he'd wanted was a nice, cool beer and relax. He wasn't exactly surprised to see his roommate slash friend moping on the living room floor but he only now realised why and to what degree.

Youichi stomped back into the living room to see that Kazuya hadn't moved an inch from where he was slumped on the coffee table. Against his better judgment, he actually started to feel sorry for the miserable idiot. Kazuya liked to pretend to be a rock and completely unaffected by the breakup but obviously that ability had gone flying out the window with the alcohol in his system. Youichi plonked down beside Kazuya with a sigh.

"Just do it already. If I see you like this any longer, I'm just gonna call him for you."

He was very well aware that Sawamura wasn't faring any better than Kazuya, thanks to receiving regular information from the younger Kominato via Ryousuke. They were both pitiful piles of misery at this point which was just sad in more ways than one. It made zero sense to Youichi and he doubted it did to Sawamura's best friend either. Why make life harder than it already was, anyway? Wasn't it something to be enjoyed?

"Morons, both of you." Youichi muttered, eyebrows drawn together in irritation. He reached for the phone, fully intent on going through with his threat when Kazuya suddenly moved, scooting away from him with the phone protectively cradled to his chest. Youichi was a bit stunned though he really shouldn't have been. After all, they were still on the same baseball team together and he saw Kazuya practice nearly every day. He could be insanely fast and had very good reaction time. Though it might have been how he hadn't responded earlier at all and also how glazed (and slightly insane) his eyes looked.

"No." Kazuya finally said after a small staring contest with Youichi. His friend's eyebrows twitched and he drew back his hand, crossing his arms as he scowled.

"Well then, do it!"

"Maybe I will!"

Another short silence ensued in which neither moved. Youichi broke it first, sighing as he got up. "Whatever. If you want to be miserable, be my guest."

It sounded crueller than intended, but Kazuya didn't seem to have heard. He was staring at his phone again. A feeling other than annoyance came over Youichi; it was honest worry. Kazuya never showed any kind of vulnerability like this, never looked this open and…crushed. Thinking about Sawamura now only made Youichi unexpectedly angry, and not in the usual 'no respect for your senpai' way. He was going to have a serious word with the other idiot if this wasn't cleared up soon.

Youichi left Kazuya alone at the table and after downing the rest of his lukewarm, stale beer, Kazuya finally, with trembling fingertips, pressed 'Call'. His heart raced; he was about to hear Eijun's voice again for what seemed like the first time in forever. His phone felt like it was slipping from his clammy hands as he waited with baited breath for the call to pick up and a loud greeting, enthusiastic and happy, to come.

It never did. There were countless ringing noises instead, Kazuya's heart feeling like it was breaking a little bit with each one. He hadn't thought it was possible to break a heart that was already shattered but he supposed he was wrong. Eventually, after what seemed like hours, the call went to voicemail, causing Kazuya to feel a little bit more whole.

" _Heya, Sawamura Eijun here, also known as the sun whisperer – ouch – hey, Harucchi! What was that for?! Okay, whatever. Oh. Oh, right. Ah, yeah, so I'm not here right now, so just –"_

A long, beeping noise signalled the end of the greeting and the line fell silent. Kazuya didn't know whether to laugh or cry. He didn't do anything but breathe for a few seconds, trying to think of what to say. What did one say, after not having talked to someone dear in weeks? Someone who didn't want anything to do with him?

"Eijun." Kazuya finally managed, a small quiver in his voice. He hoped Eijun wouldn't be able to hear it. If he even listened to the message instead of just deleting it right away. He closed his eyes, not wanting to think of that. This was possibly the only time he would actually break down like this and have enough courage to call. Kazuya cleared his throat, starting again. "Eijun, it's…it's me. Kazuya. I…I miss you."

He paused, breath stuttering inside his chest. The admission had been easier than he thought it would be but….what else? What could, should he say?

"I…I understand if you don't want to talk to me or even listen to this…no, actually, you know what? I don't. You just – ended it. Like that. You gave me a half-assed explanation which didn't really tell me anything. I get that they're your family – I just. Ugh."

Kazuya pinched the bridge of his nose in agitation, annoyed with how ineloquent he sounded. _Feelings. God_. They always reduced his usual wittiness to nonsensical ramblings so he sounded worse than Eijun. Funnily enough, loud-mouthed country boy Eijun was very good with expressing what he felt with his words. _And actions. No, no, don't go there. Time and place, Kazuya._

"Look, I…I'd like to talk, if you're willing. Please. Like I said, I miss you. A lot. I –" Kazuya halted again, biting his tongue. He had a feeling if he didn't stop talking now, he'd say too much. On the other hand, how could this get any worse? It was worth a try at least. And the regret afterwards. Probably. He took a deep breath. "I miss us. I miss the way you talk, the way you look when you get pissed at me. I used to rile you up on purpose at Seidou, y'know?" A light chuckle. "I miss _our_ talks, the ones where you talk about unimportant shit and I make fun of you for it and then you pretend to get angry at me. I miss making up with kisses afterwards. I miss catching for you. I miss seeing your face first thing in the morning when you stay over and that smile you give me. Actually, did you know you have several kinds of grins and smiles? There's this one where you kind of scrunch your nose and your eyes crinkle at the edges –"

Oh, god, Youichi was right. Kazuya was a total sap.

A warning beep sounded to signal another few seconds and he hastily continued, trying to tie up the call. "I miss how I can just – be myself around you. I miss _you_ , okay? All of you. I think I might even –"

The loudest and longest beep yet signalled the end of the recorded message and Kazuya looked at his phone in disbelief.

What else had he been about to say?

To Kazuya (and Eijun)'s relief, Youichi tells him there's nothing seriously wrong with him, except lack of sleep and a cooler than normal temperature. It's most likely a common cold, odd during this time of the year. But then there's also…

"And don't pretend you don't know what I mean when I say you lost weight. You're not eating properly either, are you?" Youichi eyes Kazuya suspiciously as he pulls his shirt back on. Kazuya shrugs. There's no point in lying.

"I just don't have an appetite."

"No, the moron isn't eating. I swear, if I could cook without poisoning anyone I'd have made him eat a whole feast by now. Or maybe two." Eijun tells Youichi, aiming a glare at Kazuya as he crosses his arms. He knows they can't hear him but he likes to pretend. Hinata watches them all with wide eyes and he silently curses himself for using insults in front of the kid. At least it wasn't 'asshole'.

Kazuya freezes imperceptibly; he could swear he just heard Eijun calling him 'moron' and something about poisoning a feast. He wants to laugh and cry at the same time. It's just so _Eijun_ and it's instances like these that make him feel like he's still alive. It's no wonder people get driven insane by grief.

Youichi shivers and goes to close the window he cracked open earlier. He looks back at Kazuya, still frozen in the middle of closing his jacket. His eyes aren't as vacant as they were before; they almost look alive, strangely relieved and hurt at the same time. Youichi can feel his throat close up at the grief in them as it prompts his own. The funeral is just too fresh in mind. It still feels like yesterday when he received that disturbingly calm phone call from Kazuya, asking him for help with the arrangements. He can still remember that drop in his stomach at the implication it brought.

"Kazuya?"

Youichi's unusually soft voice calls him back to the present and Kazuya finishes buttoning up his jacket, movements stiff.

"Sorry."

As Kazuya prepares to leave, Eijun crouches down on eyelevel with Hinata once again. He holds out his pinky finger. She looks at it curiously and then him.

"I have to go now, but I promise I'll be back. Okay?"

"Okay." Hinata nods, still eyeing his pinky and he chuckles. He carefully reaches for one of her hands and wraps her pinky around his.

"This is called a pinky promise. Just so you know I mean it." Eijun explains, grinning when Hinata's eyes light up in understanding. She smiles, her gap-tooth showing again.

"Thank you, Sawamura-san."

"Just Eijun is fine." He smiles reassuringly at her and her eyes suddenly look glassy. She blinks and looks at their still linked fingers.

"Eijun." Hinata looks up again, her lower lip trembling. She looks so lost again, so heartbroken that it breaks Eijun's a little too. "C-can you be my friend?"

She sounds so vulnerable, so _young_ and _lonely_ , that he can't help but take her small hand in both of his, making sure to look directly into her eyes. He still grins at her, prompting her to return it. "Of course."

That bright light in her eyes is back and she's bouncing up and down excitedly.

"Thank you, Eijun!"

Later that night, Kazuya gets ready to sleep, once again passing the achingly empty bedroom. He hasn't slept in it since the funeral, but he's so, so tired today and maybe that's the reason why, but he steps over the threshold once again. Kazuya only hesitates for a few seconds before he fully goes into the bedroom, switching on the light.

The bed is perfectly made, just the way he left it. The whole room is colder since Eijun died and it doesn't matter how much he turns up the heat, this is the room where it's the coldest in the whole apartment. He shivers at the nearly imperceptible breeze brushing past him. The strangest thing about the cold though is how Kazuya finds it strangely comforting. It's odd, because he never liked the cold. Not before…

He swallows and shakes his head to dispel the thought, resolutely going toward the bed and slipping under the cool covers.

Eijun has been trying to keep his distance, trying to stay away from Kazuya at least two meters at all times because he knows by now that he's the reason Kazuya's so cold all the time. As selfish as it is though, Eijun can't get himself to leave for extended periods of time. It hurts to be near and unable to touch him, to see in how much pain Kazuya is, but it would hurt more not to see him. But as it is, when Kazuya is asleep, Eijun can pretend that everything is normal, that he's still alive and he's just watching over him like he used to do.

Today seems to be full of surprises; hearing Kazuya's even breathing calms and relaxes Eijun to the point where he doesn't even notice how his own eyes fall shut.

 _Kazuya rubs his eyes, unable to believe what he's seeing._

 _It's Eijun, flitting around the kitchen and looking happy and healthy, humming to himself as gentle, flowing music flows from the radio._

" _Eijun?"_

 _His husband turns around at that, momentary surprise lighting up his face before it splits into a wide grin. "Morning!"_

 _Kazuya comes toward him, reaching out a hand dazedly._

" _Are…are you really here?"_

 _Eijun frowns at that but seems to consider his question, looking down at himself and then up at the hand that's still hovering close to him, not quite touching. Eijun's hand trembles slightly as he slowly reaches out his own hand toward Kazuya's. There's no ring on his finger._

 _Their hands touch and Eijun grin grows even wider._

" _Yeah. I think I am."_

 _Those words make a weight fall off of Kazuya's chest and the hole in it doesn't feel quite so empty anymore. He grabs Eijun's hand and it feels solid, not warm, not cold, but_ there _, and yanks him toward him, more roughly than intended. He can't even bring himself to feel sorry for the low groan that Eijun produces at the tight hug Kazuya's locks him into. On the contrary, Eijun wraps his own arms around him in an embrace just as tight._

" _I missed you." Kazuya mumbles into Eijun's neck, his words muffled and not only from pressing his face into it so much. He can feel Eijun swallow, trembling slightly._

" _I know. I missed you too."_

 _They both stand there, locked together. Kazuya recognises their song playing softly in the background, but he doesn't feel the urge to dance, not now. Maybe later. For now, this is enough._


	3. All the things that I regret

_This melody_  
 _Will never speak_  
 _All the things that I regret if I could say anything_  
 _My apologies for the way I ended things_

 _Would you please bring me back to holding hands in the rain?_  
 _I swear I'd ease your pain_  
 _Lift you up so you could finally see_  
 _The love you are to me_

 _Sat down thought about it today_  
 _If I only had a breath what would I want to say?_  
 _Thought real hard_  
 _And only one thing_  
 _Only one thing came to me_

"Strike! Batter out!"

The crowd went wild and as soon as the results sank in, Kazuya wanted nothing more than run from the catcher's position to the rival team's dugout. Their team was streaming out on to the field to follow post-game tradition, slowly, reluctantly making their way over.

It took all of his self-control not to stare at Eijun when both their teams lined up opposite each other, to not to go over and throw him an easy grin, to kiss him in euphoria. He was proud of being able to turn away without doing any of those things, or worse, once the bowing was over. Kazuya's eyes were closed; it didn't feel like a victory, but bitter defeat. A sudden, hard grip around his bicep made him open his eyes and look at the culprit. Youichi glared at him. Kazuya tried to tug his arm out of his grasp but it didn't budge. Instead, Youichi only tightened his grip more.

"Talk. Now." Youichi jerked his head toward Sawamura who was still standing in the line up with the rest of his team. The younger Kominato was currently talking to him and it didn't seem to be about anything pleasant, judging by how hard Sawamura was frowning. "Believe me when I say I've seen enough of your moping ass to last me a lifetime. I'm not letting you leave this field until you're both a disgustingly happy couple again, got it? Either of you."

Haruichi kept a close eye on Kuramochi, standing just a few meters away from them, as he held Miyuki in a death grip. Their rival team's catcher was stone faced, the removal of his helmet having done nothing to reveal more of his emotions.

"You have to. Don't you think you at least owe him a proper explanation?" he asked Eijun, knowing exactly what he was doing. He'd been there when Eijun listened to the voicemail, catching him with tears streaming down his face. Eijun had even replayed it for him though he had childishly covered his ears as Haruichi listened.

Eijun's jaw tightened at Haruichi's words and with the effort of not looking in the direction where he knew Kazuya stood. Just knowing how close he was, hurt. This was the first time they had seen each other since the breakup and it had been as bad as expected. Standing across from Kimura as he pitched meant that Eijun had to face Kazuya too at some point. He didn't know if that distance between them had been worse or better than being right next to Kazuya when Eijun was up to bat. It would have been so natural, so _easy_ , to flash the catcher a grin that said _I'm gonna win, you'll see_ and get an answering smirk in return _Not on my watch, bakamura_. And afterward, Eijun would have yelled his customary _Ossu, ossu, ossu_ or pouted while Kazuya ruffled his hair with a grin while silently conveying, _Seeing you happy makes me happy_.

But they couldn't do any of those things anymore and it was all Eijun's fault. And now Haruichi was asking him to take the first step towards Kazuya, towards what he couldn't have because he had willingly destroyed it?

"I-I can't do it." Eijun finally ground out, prompted by Haruichi's nudge into his side. He could still hear Kazuya's message ringing inside his head, how hurt and lonely he had sounded. How blatant his longing had been, reflecting his own. It had taken all of Eijun's self control not to call back right away. That, and how late it had been as Haruichi had reminded him at the time.

But now, Haruichi didn't hesitate to hit the back of Eijun's head. His best friend flinched at the unexpected pain, glaring at him as he rubbed the spot.

"Ouch! What the hell did you do that for?"

"Do I really need to tell you that?"

Eijun shivered, the flash of Haruichi's eyes he had just glimpsed enough to terrify him. Sometimes his best friend was scarier than Nii-san and that was saying something.

Meanwhile, Youichi was trying his best to win his tug-o'-war with Kazuya, dragging him across the field to where Haruichi was fulfilling his promise of keeping Sawamoron where he was. Kazuya wasn't being what one would call cooperative, literally fighting him every step of the way.

"Youichi, this isn't going to change anything – he did what makes him happy and I'm not going to force him to change his mind." Kazuya said reasonably, trying not to let his internal panic take over as he was slowly but surely forced closer to Eijun. His words managed to bring Youichi to a sudden stop. He stared at Kazuya incredulously.

"You don't actually believe that, do you?" At Kazuya's stony look Youichi shook him by the arm he was holding, gesturing over at Sawamura with his free hand. "Have you looked at the guy? Does that look like 'happy' to you?"

Kazuya forced himself to look where Youichi was pointing; as much as he hadn't been able to stop staring earlier, now it seemed like the hardest thing to do. His gaze slowly travelled toward Eijun, close enough now to see the details of his face. Their eyes met and his heart stopped.

At Kuramochi's loud exclamation, both Haruichi and Eijun looked up. He was gesturing over at them, causing Kazuya to look over. Eijun's hands suddenly felt clammy and he could feel his breath stutter when their eyes met.

 _He looks awful_.

Eijun wanted to cross the last few meters separating them from one another, but he was afraid. Afraid of possibly having made the biggest mistake of his life and being unable to fix it. It was so unlike him, so unfamiliar for him to feel a deep fear like this, that it froze him into place.

Kazuya, on the other hand, felt all his doubts be brushed aside at the sight of Eijun. Worry and, yes, anger replaced it, but even that dimmed once he stood in front of Eijun. He had moved before he even knew it. Kazuya lifted a hand, unaware of how both Haruichi and Youichi were distancing themselves respectfully. To Kazuya's surprise and utter relief, Eijun didn't move away when he touched his face.

"You said this would make you happy." Kazuya whispered, unable to raise his voice to a louder volume. Eijun looked nothing like himself. He had lost weight, the typical spark in his eyes was missing, his shoulders were hunched over. He looked tired, utterly drained. It was shocking for Kazuya to see the boy he had fallen for, the boy who radiated energy and life, look this wilted. _You've never been a good liar_.

"I'm sorry." Eijun whispered back. He couldn't think of what to say. No, that was wrong. He had so much to say, to explain, but he didn't know where to begin.

How did one put into words the struggle between joining familial love and loyalty with the kind of love – because that was what Eijun had realised during the past month – he felt for Kazuya? How did one choose? Eijun swallowed, a fat lump in his throat. "C-can you forgive me? I know I fucked up and I shouldn't be asking, but –"

 _Please, take me back…even though I don't deserve it._

"I forgive you." Kazuya interrupted, hope having soared inside his chest when Eijun finally answered. The past weeks had been awful and he never, ever wanted to repeat anything like it. He wouldn't be able to if he knew that Eijun would be suffering as much as he was. "God, I missed you so much."

Eijun hiccupped, eyes shiny as he lurched forward into Kazuya. Kazuya closed his arms around him immediately, hugging him tightly as if to never let go. _Not if I can help it_.

"I know. I missed you too."

When Eijun once again comes with Kazuya for another check-up a month later, something is off. He goes with Kazuya into Youichi's office, brooding over what could be wrong but his thought process is interrupted by what Kazuya is saying to Youichi.

"I think I'm going insane."

"Congratulations. Took you only a few decades." Youichi says dryly, setting his stethoscope on Kazuya's naked chest. "Take a deep breath."

Kazuya does as he's told but shakes his head in response to Youichi's flippancy, frowning.

"No, I'm being serious. I –" he stops himself abruptly. Youichi continues his examination but looks up at the pause. He is surprised at how intense his friend looks. Sharp, concentrated, almost like he used to. Youichi straightens up, abandoning procedure when he realises that Kazuya means it.

"What is it?"

"I-"

Eijun startles when Kazuya's eyes flicker over to him, widening momentarily before disappointment and grief clouds them again. Eijun's chest squeezes painfully. He lifts a hand toward Kazuya then drops it when he remembers that he can't touch him, not while he's awake. They both relish the dreams in which they can interact, talk, touch, kiss, dance.

It's painful for both of them when Kazuya wakes up. Kazuya feels as if he's slowly losing touch with reality, being visited by Eijun in his dreams, unable to let go or forget, even a little bit. He doesn't want to but at the same time, he does.

"You…?" Youichi prompts Kazuya when he doesn't continue, glancing over at the small mirror above the sink in the corner where he's looking. His friend startles, then looks at him again, eyes haunted.

"I…I feel like I can hear him. See him, feel him. Everywhere. All the time. In my dreams, right now." Kazuya can't talk in complete sentences, lowering his head as his hands come up to grip his hair. "Youichi, I – I can't tell what's real and what isn't anymore. I _know_ that Eijun is dead, I do. So why does it feel like he's still here?"

Eijun hurts at hearing how much pain there is Kazuya's words. He never wanted this to happen. He never wanted to hurt him, not any more than he's already done.

It's Youichi's turn to be surprised and even more worried. This is the first time he's heard Kazuya actually say Eijun's name out loud – and it's certainly not in the kind of context he imagined it would be. He's lucky enough not to have lost a loved one yet, but he supposes it's normal, to a certain degree, to feel like they're still there. Youichi puts a comforting hand on Kazuya's shoulder, causing him to look up at him. He swallows at the desperation he sees on Kazuya's face and the grip on his shoulder tightens a little. Kazuya isn't just grieving and in pain; he's afraid.

"How about you come over for dinner tonight?" Youichi suggests gently. "You haven't been out in a while, have you? Might do you some good. Kominato is coming too, he's in town for some business."

Both Kazuya and Eijun startle at hearing that name; Eijun grins at the mention of his best friend and even Kazuya snorts in amusement. He hasn't seen Haruichi since the funeral and hasn't had a normal conversation with him longer ago than that.

"Still not calling him by his first name?"

"Shut up." Youichi says, the annoyed words out before he can stop them. It's an inbuilt reaction to Kazuya's tone, honed over the many years they've known each other. But Kazuya only gives a slight smirk in response, nearly making Youichi laugh in relief at how normal this is. What normal used to be.

Eijun doesn't laugh, but he does smile brightly. It's one of the only times that smirk has made him happy as opposed to irritated (except that even then, Eijun isn't really all that put out).

An unexpected tug on his sleeve makes him look down, distracting Eijun from the banter starting to take place in front of him. It's Hinata and she looks terrified.

He drops down immediately, concerned. He's come back a few times over the past month, whenever Kazuya's gone to visit Youichi after practice at least a few times a week. Kazuya gives Youichi a new excuse every time but Eijun knows he's trying to reach out, something Eijun is glad for. It's also given him the opportunity to get to know Hinata. He's come to see her as a true friend. A friend who now looks incredibly scared, sad and lost.

"Hinata, what's wrong?"

She doesn't say anything for a moment, lips trembling and her eyes watery. Then she suddenly launches herself forward into Eijun's chest. His arms come up around her automatically and she starts to sob ghostly tears. They evaporate into the air instead of flowing down in the form of hot, liquid tears.

"They said they're going to pull the plug."

Eijun stiffens around Hinata, not quite wanting to believe what he's hearing. He didn't even think that she would know what that expression means when she hears it, but then she looks up again and he's reminded that she's older than she looks. Despite her appearance, it's become clear over the last few weeks that she's well aware of the passage of time – she just chooses to stay childlike and optimistic, because how can she not? She'd rather be happy than bitter and sad about life passing her by. And until now, there has been hope she would regain it. But now, there's only deep pain and, above all, fear in her eyes. "They're going to let me die."

Youichi graciously let them have the place he and Kazuya shared to themselves for the weekend, saying how he had to go see his family anyway. They both knew he had probably come up with the excuse on the spot and wasn't particularly keen on seeing his family. It made them even more grateful that he would go out of his way for them like this and proved how invaluable a friend Youichi was. When Eijun wanted to thank him, emotional from everything that had been going on, all he got was a dismissive, "Spare me your crocodile tears, Sawamura. Just don't go into my room, got it?"

The thinly veiled threat was emphasised with a painful headlock before Youichi left the apartment, leaving Kazuya and Eijun alone. It was a bit awkward at first, Eijun fidgeting and avoiding Kazuya's gaze while Kazuya himself was completely stiff, unable to speak past the lump in his throat. Then Eijun coughed lightly.

"How are you?"

Kazuya couldn't help but bark out a laugh at the formal tone and question.

"Really? That's what you ask me after that embarrassing display on the field?"

Eijun glared back automatically at the mocking tone and smirk. He opened his mouth, eyebrows drawn in annoyance.

"You-"

Kazuya didn't let him get farther than that. He was suddenly all too much aware of how close Eijun was, of that he was finally here, within reachable distance, with him. That he was talking to Eijun, actually hearing his voice and seeing him in person instead of through too short voicemails or on blurry photos, that Kazuya was allowed to do what he'd been wanting to for the past weeks. He was so happy, so relieved, it almost hurt.

Eijun shut up immediately when he was suddenly encompassed by Kazuya, by his warmth, by his familiar scent, his strength, his mouth against his own.

They didn't part as they stumbled their way to a bed somehow, unwilling to let go of each other for even a moment. They had spent too much time apart already. Clothes were strewn across the floor, marking their path through the apartment.

It was all their desperation, sadness and pain from the past month. There were tears and mumbled apologies. But it was also happiness and hope, warm skin against warm skin as they familiarised themselves with each other again.

Later, they lay in bed, silently tracing each other's faces with their eyes and soft touches, entangled in each other, safe, content. Eijun couldn't get himself to stop staring at Kazuya. They were facing each other, Kazuya calmly meeting his gaze with a lazy smile. Eijun felt lighter than he had in weeks though something still weighed on his mind. But right now, he shoved it down and away. Right now, that didn't matter.

He rolled onto his back, reaching for Kazuya and gently pulled him toward him by the back of his neck. Eijun kissed him, warm and soft. Eyes still closed, he leaned his forehead against Kazuya's.

"I can't believe you're here." _I can't believe you've forgiven me_.

"I can't believe you're mine." _Again_. Kazuya buried his face against Eijun's neck, unable to get over the fact that he was such a sap. "Don't ever do something stupid like that again." The words were quiet and muffled, more serious than joking. _Please don't leave me_.

Usually, Eijun would have been riled up at being called some variation of 'stupid', but Kazuya's tone conveyed his raw emotion, open and vulnerable. It wasn't a side anyone, not even Eijun, saw very often and it spoke volumes about just how much their temporary breakup had messed him up. He wasn't the only one. Eijun really was an idiot.

He reached up a hand, gently stroking the back of Kazuya's head and pressed a kiss to his temple.

"I won't." he promised. _I won't leave you_.

They stayed like this for a few moments, Eijun's eyes roaming the room when he suddenly realised something. He groaned out loud, covering his eyes with his free hand. Kazuya propped himself up on his elbows, alarmed as he looked down at him.

"What's wrong?"

"Youichi's going to kill me."

Kazuya was about to ask why, but even without his glasses he was able to recognise the bright colours of posters on the walls.

Kazuya didn't have any posters in his room.

He fell back on top of Eijun again, earning an indignant squawk and a huff of air. Kazuya shook with barely suppressed laughter, causing Eijun to thump on his back lightly.

"Hey! Shouldn't you be worried for me?"

"We'll just change the sheets. He'll never know." Kazuya told him, lifting his head up enough to bump his nose against Eijun's. Eijun frowned at him and Kazuya ducked back down for a kiss. Eijun closed his eyes, immediately distracted, but then had another realisation and snapped them wide open. He pushed at Kazuya's chest.

"Wait, wait isn't that just as good at admitting we used his bed? He's still going to see –"

"Bakamura, shut up. Do you want to use the time we've got until he's back or not?"

"Wha – hmmpff!"

And that did shut Eijun up for the rest of the weekend.

 _Maybe tonight will be okay,_ Kazuya thinks. He doesn't expect much from it, but he can already feel himself calming down as he gets into his car. He starts up the engine to drive over to Youchi and Wakana's place, slowly backing out of the garage.

Eijun sits in the back of the car, barely even having to concentrate in order not to fall through the seat. He's nervous and a bit mad at himself; earlier he tried to keep away from Kazuya, going away as far as he can – which turns out to be about a block away from their building complex. Walking away becomes harder as the distance between them grows, as if he's trying to wade through tar until he is completely stuck, unable to take another step unless it's back. It takes him a bit of thinking it over, but Eijun suddenly realises what is keeping him from leaving – it's Kazuya. Or more specifically, the ring he keeps around his neck. Eijun's wedding ring.

It took him the rest of the day to think it over and with a heavy heart and even heavier regret, Eijun determines that he needs to convince Kazuya somehow to get rid of the ring. That he needs to leave him. He doesn't want to, but he's seen how much Kazuya suffers and it's all Eijun's fault.

It isn't such a surprising or even sudden decision. It's one he subconsciously knew that he would have to make, sooner or later.

Eijun has had a lot of talks with Hinata over the past month, ones where she tells him, seriously and quietly, maturely, how much her father suffers. She never mentions her mother, but she loves her father above all else. She can't interact with him the way Eijun can with Kazuya, but in a way, it's the same for them. Both her father and Kazuya have constant reminders of people they can't get back to life. For Hinata's father, it's seeing her physical body, looking so still and frail, connected to various machinery in order to keep her alive. For Kazuya, it's seeing glimpses of Eijun's ghostly form, photos, the rings, any kind of reminder lying around the apartment.

Hinata has confided into Eijun that she would have moved on a long time ago if she could have. She can't bear to see her father suffer so much and would rather have him be happy than stay, even if she wants to.

Today has shown him that no matter how prepared for death Hinata appears, she still wants to cling to life. She doesn't want to leave, just like Eijun, but she doesn't have a choice much longer. And as she held onto Eijun while she cried, he recalled those conversations they had, the serious, mature ones about their regrets and what they want. Hinata doesn't want to die, but she has no say about it. She will. Eijun doesn't want to leave, could stay if he wanted. He does, but he wants Kazuya's happiness more. He is starting recognising just how badly he has damaged Kazuya, how much he still is and realises he should do what Hinata can't.

The car pulls into the driveway of Youichi and Wakana's shared home.

Kazuya gets out and comes up to the entrance of the small house. Warm light brightens up the windows, spreading the cozy atmosphere within. Eijun watches from the car, already able to feel the bond between them tightening, the air becoming heavier around him, though not enough to force him to move.

He sits there, brooding over how to set his plan in motion – or actually how to come up with one in the first place. How is he supposed to tell Kazuya to get rid of the ring, if he can't talk to him? Sure, he can wait until tonight and tell him in a dream but what are the chances Kazuya will listen to something that could very well be a figment of his imagination? For a moment, he considers simply taking the ring. Then Eijun remembers he can barely open a door or push a button on a radio. He crosses his arms, scowling in frustration.

Laughter interrupts his thought process; it floats out of a cracked open window from the house Kazuya entered earlier. He recognises the voices talking as the laughter ebbs, even if he can't understand the words. Kazuya's teasing. Kuramochi's loud, annoyed reply. Wakana and Haruichi's joint effort of calming them down. Eijun suddenly misses them all, a lot, and swallows. He hasn't seen the latter two ever since he found himself stuck like this.

"I won't be here for much longer. Might as well go see them one last time." he reasons out loud, ignoring how hollow hearing himself say that makes him feel. He's the only one who is still holding on, after all. And it's him who is preventing Kazuya from moving on.

If Eijun was still alive and needed breath, he would take a deep one now. But as it is, he simply gets up and walks through the car, through the entrance gate of the driveway, up the path to the house and through the front door.

"So, actually Wakana and I have something to tell you." Youichi begins, putting his arm around Wakana's waist. She leans against him, beaming, and exchanges a grin with Youichi. Kazuya and Haruichi give each other a look; they both suspect what's coming. "We were gonna make it official soon and tell everyone. You two are the lucky ones who are gonna know about it first."

"Spit it out already." Kazuya throws in, purposely sounding bored as he raises an eyebrow in mock-impatience. Really, coming tonight is doing wonders for him. He can still feel the hollowness in his chest but it's much easier to ignore with his friends distracting him. He even feels a little warmer.

"As I said, before I was so _rudely_ interrupted –" Youichi continues loudly before Kazuya has even finished his sentence. Kazuya snorts in amusement and Haruichi's mouth is twitching in an effort not to laugh. Wakana tries to look reprimanding but even she's smiling.

"We're getting married!" Wakana bursts out, just as Youichi is taking a deep breath to announce it dramatically. He does scowl at her but it melts away into a soft smile when she turns to grin at him brightly. They both look at each other sappily and Kazuya is starting to understand why Youichi felt the need to stay away whenever he and Eijun were lovey-dovey. The unexpected train of thought catches him off-guard and stabs him viciously in the heart, making it harder to breathe as if a heavy weight is pressing onto his chest.

"Congratulations." Kazuya hastily says, desperately trying to hold on to the atmosphere from before. Haruichi steps forward to hug Wakana, congratulating her, and Kazuya takes that as the cue to clasp his hand with Youichi's. "You two are great together."

"Thanks." Youichi replies a bit gruffly, hesitating slightly before pulling Kazuya in for a hug. Kazuya stiffens a bit, never having been one for physical affection, but when his friend doesn't let go he hesitantly pats his back. Youichi suddenly steps away from the close contact, scrutinising him with narrow eyes which does nothing to conceal the worry in them. "You alright?"

Kazuya can feel the weight on his chest lessen a bit and he forces himself to smile. This isn't the time or place to succumb to his own emotions. Tonight is for his friends.

The ring on his finger feels cold.

"Of course. Why wouldn't I be?"

Haruichi listens to the exchange with one ear, able to pick up on the strain in Kazuya's voice. He doesn't seem to be only one. Wakana is watching them both with a small frown.

"Has he talked to you at all?" she asks him quietly, taking care to not be heard. Haruichi smiles at that. Wakana may not share the camaraderie the former Seidou team have with each other, but she is definitely a good friend to them. Somehow, she has insinuated herself into their close-knit group and she fits in perfectly. His smile dims as he remembers exactly who made that even possible and that he won't see everything he helped create.

"Ah, no. He hasn't." Haruichi remembers to answer just as quietly. "I doubt he will…we've never been as close as him and Youichi."

"Hmm."

It's neither a noise of agreement nor denial. A low buzzing from his pant pocket catches Haruichi's attention and he takes out his phone, shooting Wakana an apologetic smile.

"Sorry. I'll be right back."

Wakana nods, smiling back, and goes into the kitchen to get some glasses and champagne.

Haruichi steps out into the corridor, shivering slightly at the noticeable difference in temperature. Did it get colder? He glances to the side, freezing at the glimpse of a familiar silhouette. His mouth falls open.

Eijun steps through the front door, stilling in movement when he is immediately faced with Haruichi. His friend looks exactly the way he remembers him though his fringe is a bit longer, nearly hiding his eyes behind it again. He's taller and broader than he was at Seidou, but Eijun is still reminded of when they first met. He suddenly has to blink back tears at the memories, knowing that this is probably the last time he'll see him. See any of his friends or family, including the people he can hear talking just a few meters away.

"Ei-chan?"

Eijun takes a step backward, mouth and eyes wide open in shock.

Can Haruichi…can he actually see him?

Haruichi is frowning, his gaze searching the approximate area where Eijun is. He obviously can't pinpoint him but neither does he shake the possibility off of him actually being there. Eijun blinks away his surprise, exhilaration taking its place.

"Harucchi! You can see me?"

Haruichi looks around, eyes narrowed in concentration. He angles his face slightly upward and then glances sideways at the area darkened by something shadowy. If he relaxes his eyes just so…the blurry outline becomes a little more focused, white teeth and bright eyes flashing. It's nowhere near enough to show him a complete figure but the feeling Haruichi gets from it is. Then he faintly hears his name being called and Haruichi suppresses another shiver. He has never been superstitious though he certainly doesn't deny the possibility of the supernatural. It seems like he is right to think so.

"Ei-chan, are you here?"

"Yes! I am!" Eijun can't reign in his excitement, coming toward Haruichi and reaching toward him, forgetting once again that he's unable to touch anything in the living world.

Haruichi shivers again, this time more violently. He suddenly feels as if he's been thrust into an ice bath, completely frozen, both temperature-wise and in movement. He tries to move, tries to speak, tries to _breathe_ –

Eijun doesn't go through Haruichi without resistance like he's supposed to. He is suddenly filled with warmth. He can feel hot blood pumping through his veins, his heart beat rhythmically, his lungs expand with air and empty again. Wait, _his_ body?

 _Ei-chan?!_

 _Harucchi?!_

 _Oh my god, what – you're dead! You're…oh god. You're… are you a ghost?_

 _Uh…_

 _What did you do?_

 _You're taking this really well._

 _It's not like I can do anything right now. I'm not even in control of my own body._

Eijun experimentally tries to lift a thin arm, testing that out. It works without a problem. He wriggles Haruichi's slim fingers, watching in fascination.

 _Ei-chan, this is_ not _the time_.

 _Sorry._

A pause.

 _Well, what do we do?_

 _I don't know, I've never been possessed by a ghost before._ Haruichi pauses _. As rude as this is to ask, what are you doing here? I mean, shouldn't you be in ghost heaven or the afterlife or something?_

 _You believe in that stuff?_

 _You're here, aren't you?_

Eijun can't argue with that logic.

 _Uh, well, I don't know. I just kind of…woke up, I guess?_

An unbidden image of Kazuya flits through Eijun's mind, a sharp pain triggered in his chest. Eijun lifts a hand involuntarily, pressing it to his chest. His heart hurts with every beat. Maybe Eijun is becoming a masochist because he's actually relishing the feeling a bit. His eyes feel hot.

 _Eijun… it's Kazuya, isn't it?_

Just hearing his name intensifies the pain and Eijun blinks, almost surprised, but welcoming the hot, wet trail of tears trailing down his – Haruichi's – face.

 _Yes_.

Haruichi doesn't seem to want to say anything. Eijun can feel his reluctance.

 _Eijun, you have to let go._

Eijun doesn't want to, but can feel Haruichi's emotional response to his resistance. He responds hastily, not wanting Haruichi angry with him.

 _I know. I don't know how– no, wait._

This is his plan. His only chance.

 _Ei-chan?_

 _Haruichi, I need to get the ring. My wedding ring. Kazuya wears it around his neck._

Haruichi doesn't hesitate in answering. Eijun can feel his sorrow from knowing about having to say his final goodbye so soon but also his determination to help.

 _Go get it. I don't know how long this, whatever it is, will last._

So Eijun wipes away the tears, straightening up with determination, and turns around to go back into the living room.

Kazuya can immediately tell there's something different about Haruichi when he comes back. Maybe it's the way his cell phone is still clutched in his hand even though he's usually too polite to hold onto it when he's in company. Maybe it's the way he walks…there's something off about his movements, somehow, though Kazuya can't pinpoint what. It looks strangely familiar. _And so it should be. You're friends_ , he thinks to himself sternly, but he knows that's not it. Or maybe it's the look in Haruichi's eyes, intense and strangely focused on Kazuya. He swallows. That look…

"Kazuya, can we talk?"

Wakana and Youichi, who have teasingly started bickering about wedding arrangements, fall silent at Haruichi's tone. Kazuya isn't the only one staring anymore. That tone…it's nothing like the Haruichi he knows. _This is like…_

Haruichi turns to Wakana and Youichi and smiles brightly. Something about that smile makes Kazuya reel internally.

"It's so good to see you two again." Haruichi says, hugging them both in quick succession, a tight squeeze. He pulls back, his smile turning almost sad as the look in his eyes intensifies even more. The two of them are speechless at the strange behaviour. Why did he say that and hug them all of the sudden? Wouldn't that be a greeting when seeing someone again after a long time? He's been outside for barely a couple of minutes. "If you'll excuse us for a minute? We'll be right back."

Both of them can only nod, baffled and a bit worried. Haruichi flashes another grin, making Kazuya's heart jolt. _What…?_

Haruichi glances at Kazuya, the grin softening into a smile and nods to the backdoor which leads out into the backyard and, further down, the street. Kazuya follows Haruichi, intrigued, a bit wary and slightly dazed. Kazuya is unsettled though he doesn't know why. He has no reason to be.

Once they're outside, Haruichi turns to face him. He doesn't say anything for a long moment. Instead, his eyes just wander over Kazuya's face in an uncomfortably thorough manner. It's starting to become weird, so he clears his throat.

"So –"

"Kazuya."

He jolts, involuntarily taking a step backward. The tone is the same from before…it's Haruichi's voice, his face and body, but that tone…

"I don't know how much time I have. Probably not enough to explain, so I have to ask you, one last time, to trust me."

When Kazuya can't do anything but stare, Haruichi steps closer, close enough to feel his body heat. The too intense, too familar stare doesn't allow Kazuya to look away. A small hand reaches toward him, palm upward. "Can you do that? We're partners, aren't we? Partners until the end."

That word wakes memories from a lifetime ago and it's not something that's ever been thrown around lightly. The only person Kazuya has ever used it with, the only one it has ever meant as much with as it does with how Haruichi is saying it is…

"Eijun?"

Haruichi startles at that, takes a step back. His eyes widen as he stares at Kazuya, licking his lips nervously. He slowly nods, watching him as one would a wild animal.

Kazuya can't move, breathe, not even blink for what seems like hours, but can only have been seconds, as he stares uncomprehendingly.

"No." he breathes, then he shakes his head violently in denial. His hands come up to hold his head, eyes fixed on Haruichi – _Eijun_ – in front of him. He can see bright amber flash through the colour of Haruichi's eyes, a deep concern that looks too familiar. "No, this – this isn't possible. You're dead."

Kazuya was right. He _is_ going crazy. He stumbles away from Haruichi – _Eijun_ -, not looking where he's going, not noticing when he steps off of soft grass and onto the street.

Before Eijun can do anything, anything at all, reach out or say another word, Kazuya is too far away to touch. The fear and disbelief, pain and longing he can see in his eyes doesn't let him break eye contact. Something bright flashes in the corner of his eyes and he glances over. He can feel his breath and heart stop when he recognises an oncoming car, dipping everything into too bright light. Eijun whips his head around back to Kazuya and pales, eyes widening and mouth open, wanting to shout a warning. Now of all times, his voice doesn't work and no sound comes out. He breaks into a run, the car's brakes screaming loudly, mockingly.

Everything seems to slow down, the car's screech lengthening as it brakes. Kazuya turns his head, finally able to break eye contact with Eijun who should be – _is_ dead. The screech is still going, the car doesn't stop moving. The headlights are blinding and Kazuya can't see the driver, can't move, is too frozen in shock.

Pain and unimaginable pressure slams into him at the impact of the car crashing into him and the world resumes its regular pace. There's a scream and some awful cracking noises in Kazuya's head. His vision flickers. He thinks he can see Eijun hovering above him, slightly translucent and with real worry, panic and pain in his wide amber eyes, his mouth moving silently. Then everything goes black.

Eijun screams.

He can't do anything but watch the accident unfold with wide eyes. He is violently pulled out of Haruichi's body, causing both of them to fall onto the asphalt, the only difference between them being that his best friend cries out in surprised pain. Eijun immediately stands and runs over to Kazuya's prone body, one of his legs twisted in a sickening angle. There's blood gushing out of a wound somewhere on his head and some trickles out of the corner of his mouth. Kazuya's eyes are open, flitting around but not settling on anything. Eijun bends over him, panicking but not knowing what he should do or if he even _can_ do anything. He can hear sirens in the distance, growing louder and hopes they'll get here soon.

"Kazuya! Don't die! Please, don't leave me!" He all but sobs out the words, not caring if Kazuya can't hear or see him. But then Kazuya's eyes focus on Eijun, just for a moment, before they roll back into his head.

Just a few minutes later, the street is full of people, the area where the accident occurred closed off with tape. The ambulance is in the process of loading Kazuya into the back, a breathing mask strapped over his face and a bloody piece of cloth pressed to his head. The driver of the car is talking to a police officer who arrived together with the ambulance, alternating between gesturing violently and hysteric crying.

Eijun stands off to the side, literally frozen stiff with fear. He watches Youichi converse with some of the emergency doctors as he gets into the back of the ambulance. Wakana makes to join them but is stopped with a gentle refusal from Youichi and some whispered words Eijun can't hear. She shakes her head in response but finally steps away, gripping the hem of her sweater until her knuckles are white. All of this doesn't register with Eijun. He's too focused on the glimpse of Kazuya's head that he can see through the throng of doctors. He has never been this afraid, not when he received his diagnosis, not when he was faced with inevitable death. This is the worst fear Eijun has ever felt.

On impulse, he sends a prayer to anyone, anything, who is willing listen. Maybe not so much a prayer as much as a plea, desperately hoping that, if a kind of higher power exists, they will hear him and take pity.

 _Please, even if you can't do anything else – let Kazuya live. Let Kazuya live and be happy._


	4. We'll get through this together

_Forever and ever_  
 _Forever and ever_

 _The hug, the kiss, the love_  
 _All the magic that we're feeling inside_  
 _Deep inside, deep inside_  
 _It's hard to find the words_  
 _The courage is somewhere inside_  
 _Deep inside, deep inside_

 _You're my air, when I feel I can't breathe_  
 _Catching me, when I'm tripping over my feet_  
 _We'll get through this together_  
 _You're my smile, when I just want to cry_  
 _Make it all better as you kiss my sad eyes_  
 _I'm giving you my forever and ever_

The doorbell echoed off of the insides of Eijun's home. It was a familiar sound to him though it didn't inspire a sense of security like it had growing up. Instead, all he felt was nervous and scared.

Kazuya squeezed his hand with a reassurance he didn't quite feel, smiling at Eijun when he looked at him. It was obvious from how wide his eyes were how afraid he was. So was Kazuya but he wasn't going anywhere. He had never had any intention of leaving in the first place and even if Eijun tried to, he wouldn't let him, not this time.

The door opened, revealing the smiling face of Eijun's mother. Her smile dropped a bit at the sight of her son standing there. Her eyes flickered down their linked hands. She silently stepped aside and gestured for them to come in. He met her curious gaze coolly, not saying a word. He wasn't in the mood for faked politeness. It wasn't what he was here for. She looked away, clearing her throat.

"Welcome home."

Eijun ducked his head awkwardly, murmuring a quiet greeting back at her while Kazuya stepped inside after him, carefully schooling his expression into a calm mask.

Eijun took off his shoes and put them on the little cupboard by the door automatically, more out of habit than actual thinking. His head was too full of what if's to think clearly. He straightened up, hovering nervously without being able to meet his mother's eyes, looking anywhere but her. He almost flinched at feeling her hand on his shoulder and finally dared to glance at her. Something inside him jolted in relief at the sight of her faint smile. It looked tired but warm and genuine. She directed the same one at Kazuya who didn't change his expression in response though Eijun was able to recognise the surprise in his eyes.

"I'll make us some tea." Eijun's mother turned and began to make her way down the corridor toward the kitchen. She looked over her shoulder, waving at the two of them. "Come along now. I haven't talked to my son in too long and I want to hear all about what I missed."

It took some time, but both Kazuya and Eijun started to relax after a while. The casual chitchat between Eijun and his mother helped. It had been a while since he had talked to her and he only realised now how much he had missed that.

Kazuya didn't let his guard down completely. He had no idea who exactly Eijun had meant when he had told him 'family' was the reason for the breakup. For all he knew it could have been all of them. Granted, Eijun's mother seemed nice enough but one never knew how people behaved on a regular basis if one didn't interact with them all the time. After all, this was only the second time he had met any of Eijun's family members and this was the longest he had been in a room with them.

Kazuya could feel himself tense up when he felt Eijun reach for his hand across the table; it was a thoughtless, automatic action, he could tell. He couldn't stop himself from glancing at his mother but she barely seemed to notice. It was only when Eijun's hand actually touched Kazuya's and he drew in a sharp breath that both Sawamuras looked at him. Eijun flushed pink at seeing that he had taken his hand without even noticing. Eijun's mother only looked down at their hands for a split second and then smiled, the corners of her mouth twitching with suppressed laughter.

"Don't worry about that, Miyuki-kun."

Kazuya stared at her with wide eyes.

"You don't mind?"

"Of course not."

He looked at Eijun who was looking away from him, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Didn't you say –"

"Ah, mum, it's lunchtime soon, isn't it? Do you need help cooking?" Eijun loudly interrupted Kazuya before he could finish talking. He could feel his eyebrows twitch in irritation.

"Baka, you can't cook. You burnt down my kitchen, remember?"

"That was _one_ time!"

Their bickering continued, much to the amusement of Eijun's mother. Emi was glad her son seemed to be doing well. She had been worried this past month; he hadn't come down to visit at all and only talked to her on the phone a couple of times. None of that had been enough to give any indication on how Eijun's life was at the moment though she had had a feeling that he wasn't feeling well. She was glad to see she had been wrong…and also that the relationship he had with this boy was making him so happy. Their bantering sounded a little rough but it was clear how much they cared for one another, how natural it was between them.

There wasn't anything else Emi wanted for Eijun except his happiness.

Emi didn't interrupt the lively conversation, happy to listen with a small smile on her lips. She just slipped them both a couple of cutting boards and a mound of vegetables which they started chopping without complaint, instead shooting each other smirks and trading thinly veiled insults with affectionate undertones. It was almost like having the house full of children again, back when Eijun had still lived with them and brought home friends almost daily. She hadn't realised how much she missed having her house full of laughter and light-hearted teasing. Plus, it was incredibly refreshing to have someone to trade cooking tips with.

"Eijun, you didn't tell me your boyfriend was such a gentleman."

Emi turned to look at her son with wink. Kazuya was smirking at Eijun over her shoulder while Eijun tried his best not to glare back. "And one who can cook too! At least I won't have to worry about you starving anymore."

"Ah, Sawamura-san, you flatter me. I'm sure my cooking is nothing compared to yours."

"Oh, stop it." she giggled, swatting at Kazuya with a kitchen towel playfully. "And please, call me Emi."

"Emi, then." Kazuya smiled at her though to Eijun it looked like the beginning of a smirk. Eijun narrowed his eyes at him, glancing at his mother.

Was she actually going red?

"Ugh, stop flirting with my mother. You two make me sick."

"Oh, I think someone's jealous." Kazuya flashed Eijun a full smirk this time, making him fume in his seat. Emi waved her hand in his direction dismissively.

"Oh, don't mind him. Ei-chan's always been a little hot-tempered."

"Really? I never would have guessed."

The surprised tone almost sounded genuine but there was an edge of barely suppressed laughter underneath which prompted Eijun's mother to eagerly start re-telling Eijun's childhood. Eijun almost tipped over his chair with how fast he got up, mouth already open to shout indignantly and protest –

"Well, isn't this a sight? Noisy too."

The three of them all turned at once to see Eijun's grandfather standing in the doorway of the kitchen. He looked as if he had just come home, his face unusually neutral. As much as Eitoku liked to pick on his grandson, the two of them were a lot more similar than either of them wanted to admit. Both of them were open books when it came to their emotional states – except now. Eitoku stared straight at Kazuya, his gaze cool. There was something behind that which made him shiver and the insecurity he had felt on their way here return. Then Eijun was suddenly by his side, his hand in his, warm and reassuring.

"Grandfather."

The formal tone made Kazuya glance at Eijun in surprise; his boyfriend's face was tense, his eyebrows drawn together and lips pressed into a thin line. The hand holding Kazuya's tremored slightly. _Ah_.

"What are you doing here?" Eitoku didn't move from where he was. His posture was stiff, eyes now fixing on Eijun. The coldness in them thawed, giving way to a low simmering anger. "I thought I told you –"

"I know what you told me." Eitoku didn't flinch at the cold, hard tone but both Emi and Kazuya did. Emi hadn't seen this side of Eijun often and Kazuya couldn't ever recall encountering it before. It made him hope to never be on the receiving end of it. Another look from the side told him that Eijun's eyes were glowing but not like when he was happy or on the mound. It made Kazuya shiver but not in a good way. "And I don't care."

Emi stepped between grandfather and grandson, hands lifted in a pacifying gesture.

"Please, let's all calm down. We can all sit and talk it out –"

"You heard the boy, Emi. He isn't interested in listening." Eitoku cut her off. Without looking away from Eijun, he stepped aside. "You have a choice, Eijun. Send that boy away and you stay. Or you both leave and don't come back."

Kazuya forced himself to meet Eijun grandfather's cold gaze head-on, hoping that his mask of indifference would hold. He had to endure this and be strong. He fervently hoped that Eijun wouldn't leave him, not again…but he didn't want to be responsible for making him unhappy either. He wasn't even able to bear the thought of that.

At that, Kazuya lowered his eyes and started to pull away his hand from Eijun. When he met resistance, he looked up at him to see wide, amber eyes full of surprise directed at him.

"I'm doing what's best for you." Kazuya tried to smile; it came out a bit more broken than it was meant to be, brittle and fragile. "I don't want you to suffer because of me."

 _Not any more than you have to. Don't sacrifice your family because of me._

But now it was Kazuya's turn to be surprised. Eijun shook his head vehemently before he was even done talking, the grip on his hand becoming so tight it was almost painful.

"No. I meant what I said. I don't care." he said firmly, directing that last bit at both him and his grandfather. Eitoku narrowed his eyes at him. "Being with you makes me happy. The past month has been the most miserable of my life so far and I'm pretty sure you hated it too. So please –"

 _Don't go. Don't leave me. Stay._

"Stop being such a fool, Eijun. Listen to what the boy is saying." Eitoku threw in, ignoring Kazuya. The emphasis on 'boy' was obvious, just as much as the undertone of dislike. "He knows what he's doing."

" _He_ has a name, grandfather. It's Miyuki, Miyuki Kazuya. And he's my boyfriend."

Both of them were now openly glaring at each other, Kazuya somewhat awkwardly trapped in between. Emi once again tried to break them up but then Eitoku looked away first.

"I see there's no convincing you. Leave."

Eijun mouth fell open. True, he had heard the ultimatum given to him before but he hadn't thought that his grandfather would stay true to it. They had never had a falling out so bad that it would result in something like this. Eijun stepped right up to him, silently cursing the one inch of height difference between them.

"But –"

"You made your choice." Eitoku's stare was like cold steel, cutting right through him. It hurt. "You're no longer a part of this family. Not until you change your mind."

Eijun didn't have quite enough time to process his words. His mother's indignant, furious outcry and the ensuing arguing only rang in his ears dully – and the next moment, he was already outside, pulling Kazuya along with him. He was breathing heavily, unaware of what he was doing until he was yanked to an abrupt halt.

"Eijun? Eijun!" He flinched at the loud snapping sound in front of his face, blinking at Kazuya.

"What?" Eijun lashed out, sounding a lot less stable than Eijun wanted to. His voice trembled.

Kazuya had to swallow at how hollow Eijun's eyes looked once he had finally broken him out of his trance. His voice hadn't sounded any better. As always, he carried his heart on his tongue and this time, it was bleeding. Unable to find the words he wanted to say, Kazuya pulled Eijun in for a hug.

At first, Eijun didn't respond to feeling Kazuya's arms going around him, stiff with shock and disbelief at what had just happened.

 _You are no longer part of this family._

His grandfather's words echoed inside his head and suddenly the dam inside him broke. He sagged against Kazuya, hugging him back tightly as he tried to suppress ugly sobs trying to claw their way out of his throat. He couldn't stop the accompanying tears, could only cling to Kazuya as he repeatedly murmured "I'm sorry"s into his ear.

Kazuya could only recall rare instances in which he had felt as helpless as he did now. There was his mother's death, of course, as well as when he had started to realise the growing distance between his father and him. Some other small incidents, a few game situations. But he had never become accustomed to them, had never learnt how to deal with this particular brand of helplessness. All he knew was that he didn't like it and it still felt as bad as ever.

All he could do now was to be there for Eijun the way he was always there for him.

It's been about a week since Kazuya's been brought into the hospital. Eijun followed him of course, listening in on what the doctors say and is always present whenever Youichi or Wakana are there to visit or ask questions.

He knows that Kazuya is lucky – he only has a concussion and a flesh wound on his head, with the worst of his injuries being his broken leg. Eijun knows it could have been a lot worse but the fact that Kazuya isn't injured any further just panics him more. After all, what could his reason be for still being in a coma if there's nothing wrong with him?

"I'm scared."

Hinata's voice pulls him out of his thoughts.

 _That's right, get it together._

Today's the day the they picked to shut off her life-support. Of course Eijun came. Even if he wasn't the only person Hinata knows right now, he would have. He's become attached to her, perhaps too much, if the painful tightening in Eijun's chest is anything to go by.

Eijun looks down at her. She's chewing on her fingernails, her other hand holding Eijun's. She looks painfully close to tears. He glances inside the room where her body is laying on the bed, her father sitting in a chair and bent over her as he whispers words they can't hear. The only thing that's audible from in there is the soft beeping of the heart monitor.

Eijun crouches down which prompts Hinata to look at him, eyes desperate. But there's nothing he can find to say.

"I'm here." he eventually says, trying to sound soothing but he isn't sure how well that translates, how much that can even help. Hinata doesn't say anything. They both know there's nothing more to say.

Eijun lifts her up, setting her on his hip. She weighs nothing, just like she feels neither warm nor cold. They silently watch her father talk to Hinata's still figure a little longer; he's crying, like he has been during many of his visits lately.

Eventually, a doctor comes inside, accompanied by a couple of nurses. It takes a bit of prompting for Hinata's father to stand and a few more moments for him to move and look away from her. He's asked something to which he at first looks as if he will shake his head but then he reaches for Hinata's pale hand and nods at them. They respectfully stand aside a little.

Eijun's grip on Hinata's waist tightens a little, just like her small fists clench in the fabric of his shirt.

"Eijun." she says, voice subdued but unbroken. He looks at her again, surprised to see she's looking at him and not at what is happening just behind that glass barrier separating her from what she's been holding onto for a decade. He forces himself to smile at her encouragingly.

"Hmm?"

Hinata doesn't return the smile. Her eyes once again betray her young appearance and how tired she truly is.

"Be happy, okay?"

Eijun stares, at a loss for words.

"What?"

Then Hinata does smile, faintly.

"I know you don't understand it. You will. I promise. But _you_ have to promise me you'll be happy." She holds out a pinky finger. Eijun still doesn't get it.

"Understand what?"

"Promise me." Hinata says insistently, ignoring his question, a sense of urgency in her voice after another glance inside the room. He follows her gaze, seeing the nurses closer to the machines, and swallows. He hastily links his pinky with Hinata's and tries to return her smile. He's not sure he succeeded.

"I promise."

Hinata sighs, relieved, and rapidly begins to become transparent. Eijun panics a little at feeling her solidness against him fade away.

"Thank you."

The whispered words are nothing more than a mild breeze, an echo that is quickly carried away. Eijun blinks and Hinata is gone, his arms holding nothing but air. He can't move, frozen in shock.

From inside the room, Eijun can hear muffled sobs and the monitor flat-lining.

"Yes." Kazuya nodded, forgetting in his excitement that the person he was speaking to on the other end of the line couldn't see him. The grin on his face spread; Eijun could feel himself mirroring the expression. "Thank you. Yes. Yes, of course. I'll be there."

He hung up, staring at his phone in utter shock and then looked up at Eijun.

"I did it." Kazuya said, his voice still disbelieving, and took a shaky step toward him. "I'm on the team."

Eijun couldn't hold himself back any longer. He practically threw himself at Kazuya, grinning so widely his face hurt. In the ensuing tussle, Kazuya' glasses got nearly knocked off of his face. He stumbled for a moment, quickly catching his balance and wrapped his arms around Eijun.

"I told you! I told you, you could do it!"

"I know, I know. Hey, be careful, glasses are expensive." Kazuya added, adjusting the skewed pair on his nose. Eijun rolled his eyes and stuck out his tongue childishly, the corners of his mouth still turned up in a smile.

"Sorry."

He leaned forward to kiss Kazuya enthusiastically, quickly making him forget his momentary irritation (no matter how fake it had been – Kazuya didn't have several spare pairs of glasses and some specifically for sports for nothing).

"Ugh, come on guys. I thought we had rules here."

Eijun broke away from the kiss, completely unashamed as he grinned at Youichi. He had obviously just come in, his face pink from the cold wind outside, and carrying some bags full of groceries. And currently also looking at the two of them with disgust.

"Hey, 'Mochi!"

"Don't 'hey 'Mochi' me." Youichi grumbled, going into the kitchen to unpack the groceries. Admittedly, he was only partially irritated at his two best friends. He was glad they were back together and happy. He had also walked in on far worse situations before than the two of them making out – some of which had been happening more and more frequently ever since they got back together, causing him to have to re-evaluate his top 10 of the most disturbing things he had ever seen way too often. It was annoying. "When I say 'get a room', I mean it. Maybe you should just get a whole place for yourselves. Earbuds don't cut it anymore with all the shit you two get up to."

Eijun had the decency to turn red with mortification while Kazuya only smirked.

"Aww, come now, you'd miss us." he said, following him into the kitchen to lean against the counter as he watched his roommate unpack.

"Nope." came Youichi's quick reply. "Having the apartment to myself without you two shitheads to disturb me? Heaven, I tell you."

"That hurts, right here." Kazuya said dryly, mouth corners twitching as he lightly thumped his chest. Youichi looked up from stashing cans inside a cupboard, eyebrows raised.

"Yeah, I doubt that. You've got no heart in there, after all."

Eijun laughed at the two of them, seeing Youichi grin triumphantly when Kazuya stayed silent with pinched eyes. _Just you wait_.

"What are you laughing at, hmm?" Kazuya reached for Eijun and somehow pulled him toward him without knocking anything over, a miracle with how small the kitchen was. With the three of them in there, it was almost impossible to move.

Youichi was quite thankful that he was just about done with putting away the groceries, especially when he saw Kazuya starting to nose along Eijun's neck. He pretended to throw up, sound effect and all.

"Okay, I'm outta here. See ya."

And with that, he disappeared into his room, slamming the door behind him for emphasis. The two left behind in the kitchen didn't even blink.

"Hey, about what Youichi said just now." Kazuya murmured, nuzzling into Eijun's neck. Eijun couldn't stop the aborted laugh from coming out; Kazuya knew he was ticklish there.

"What? That you've got no heart?" Eijun snickered. "I already knew that."

"No." Kazuya nipped at Eijun's ear, causing him to stop laughing and whimper instead, grinning at the noise. _Better_. "The getting our own apartment thing."

Eijun pulled away a little to look at Kazuya's face properly. He was still grinning, but it was soft somehow, his eyes behind the glasses serious.

"Huh?" he stared at him, not quite comprehending what he meant. Eijun suspected, but surely Kazuya couldn't mean… "What are you saying?"

Kazuya made an exasperated sound. God, he had fallen in love with an idiot. _But he's_ my _idiot_.

"What I'm saying, bakamura," Kazuya began, thankful that he was able to hide his suddenly fluttering nerves so well, "or more, what I'm asking is, do you want to move in together?"

Kazuya was one of the only people to ever render Eijun speechless on regular basis and yet, it surprised him every time it happened. And that's also how it was this time, catching him completely off-guard with his mind wiped blank.

Kazuya looked and sounded so earnest, despite the light wording he had used, that Eijun simply had no words.

Was he being serious? Granted, they had been together for a while, but they were both still in university.

But then again, why not? What was stopping them?

 _You know what. This could go completely wrong_ , a small voice inside of Eijun's head whispered, sounding suspiciously like his grandfather. He resolutely ignored it, shoving it down and away into a corner of his mind he put all the things he wanted to forget.

 _It could also go completely right. I made a choice. And I choose this._

Kazuya was watching the interplay of emotions of Eijun's face, increasingly feeling anxious himself. He began to shift uncomfortably when the silence stretched from seconds into minutes.

"Look, if you don't want to, that's fine. We –" he tried to backpedal, hoping he hadn't compromised their newly fixed relationship. He was silenced with a slim finger against his lips and a smile on Eijun's face, amber eyes soft and warm.

"Yeah." Eijun finally answered, voice hushed. "I'd love to." _I love you_.

Kazuya exhaled in relief against Eijun's hand and it fell away. He pulled him into a kiss and then leaned his forehead against his. They looked into each other's eyes, smiling a bit stupidly and slightly cross-eyed.

"Good." Kazuya breathed, a bit unnecessary, a bit too drunk on their closeness, a bit in love.

 _I love you too._

The first thing Kazuya notices upon slowly waking is how warm he is. It's a welcome, pleasant warmth and something he hasn't felt for too long. Then he becomes aware of a soft beeping noise coming from somewhere beside him. A minimal movement around his hand makes him aware that it is being held by someone else's, by a hand that feels familiar. Too familiar.

He would recognise those calluses anywhere.

Kazuya opens his eyes, too in shock, too full of hope to keep them closed any longer, the last vestiges of sleep gone. He directs his gaze at the hand holding his, disbelieving as it slowly travels from those slim, tanned fingers up an arm he knows to be strong and muscled underneath that godawful t-shirt Eijun is adamant to wear until it falls apart –

His heart stops for a second as Kazuya's eyes finally reach this person's face, still in utter and complete shock, because he didn't allow his hope to break through completely, not until now.

It's Eijun.

It's actually Eijun, healthy, tan, grinning like the idiot he is – _alive_.

"You're awake!" Eijun's smile is as Kazuya remembers, broad, blinding. Full of relief. Kazuya can't respond, speechless. Eijun takes the moment to put Kazuya's glasses on his face, something that barely registers despite his suddenly sharper vision. It just makes what he's seeing so much more unbelievable.

What the hell is going on?

Is this another cruel dream?

Some of those questions must've slipped out because Eijun is frowning at him, his mouth turning down at the corners in a sign of irritation. It's familiar and painful to watch; Kazuya can't let himself believe it, not yet. He doubts his sanity would be able to survive the crushing disappointment and hurt when he realises this is not real.

"Of course not. What makes you say that?" Eijun pouts just a little bit, his hold on Kazuya's hand tightening slightly. "Do you know how much you scared me when you ran in front of that car after our fight?" He pauses, swallowing. "I…I thought you were dying. If Youichi hadn't been there, you might have."

By the end of Eijun's explanation, he's got a fat lump in his throat and is blinking away tears. He can't imagine living in a world without Kazuya and he doesn't want to try.

Kazuya takes in all of this silently, wondering when and almost hoping that he will wake up. The longer this too realistic dream goes on for, the worse it will be when it's over. He stiffens, almost jerking away in surprise when Eijun lifts their linked hands and kisses Kazuya's, just like he did for him what seems like a lifetime ago. A lifetime in which their positions were reversed and Eijun died.

Those lips feel warm, slightly chapped and real.

"Don't ever do something that stupid again." Eijun tells Kazuya, blinking to get rid of the blurriness in his eyes. His mouth is set in a thin, firm line to try and hide his trembling. "I thought I had lost you."

At that, Kazuya can't hold it in any longer. This dream-Eijun hurts so much more than all the other times he's dreamt of him, even the time where he could actually feel his touch. Kazuya doesn't pull his hand out of Eijun's but he does keep eye contact, aware of how hard his eyes must look.

"I _did_ lose you. _Everyone_ did." He hates how his voice is starting to break, blaming it on having just woken up. "You we- _are_ dead. You're not real."

"Kazuya, what – I'm here! I'm alive and perfectly healthy! In case it slipped your attention, _you're_ the one lying in a hospital bed right now!" Eijun lowers his voice when a nurse sticks her head around the corner to shoot him a look of disapproval, but continues in a furious whisper with just a note of desperation in it. "Kazuya, you remember me, don't you? You remember us? The doctors did warn us about possible brain damage but…"

Kazuya is shaking head, less in answer to the questions but more in denial of the situation. He can feel Eijun's hand tightening around his, something hard and smooth digging into his fingers. He looks over at their joined hands in confusion; it's not much but it throws him off enough to break him out of his mounting panic. Kazuya's eyes widen when he sees a familiar glint of gold around Eijun's ring finger.

The Eijun in his dream never wore his ring. He never felt warm like this either. Solid, yes, but not warm and…alive.

Eijun is starting to panic a little when Kazuya shakes his head and he can't help but feel just the slightest bit hysterical when his husband frantically starts feeling around for something around his neck. Maybe he should call the nurse.

"Kazuya?"

Kazuya's eyes snap upward to meet Eijun's. He has to swallow at the whirlwind of emotion he sees in them, not used to it, and also in stark contrast to the steel wall in them just before.

"Eijun?"

Eijun can only blink and then nod. Kazuya's voice just then sounded raw with emotion – hope, grief, disbelief, relief, vulnerability.

"Y-yes?" he finally remembers to respond. The next moment, all the air is squeezed out of him by Kazuya's too tight hug, surprisingly strong for someone who has just spent the last week in an artificial coma and recovering from a hit-and-run. Forgetting there's a reason Kazuya's in a hospital bed right now, Eijun hugs him back just as tightly. "You scared me so much."

"Sorry." Kazuya mumbles distractedly, too busy burying his face in Eijun's neck and memorising how he feels, his scent, how overwhelmingly _warm_ he is. He can't believe he forgot all of that. He can't believe any of this. "What happened?"

"You…you got hit by a car. We were over at Youichi and Wakana's, they were telling us they're getting married." Eijun draws back a little, enough to be able to look at Kazuya properly. They've been told Kazuya might have a bit of memory loss. "Do you remember that?"

Numbly, Kazuya nods. He does. But he hasn't been there with Eijun, at least not as far as he was aware at the time. The only person he remembers being there with the three of them is…

"Was Haruichi there?"

"Yeah." Eijun nods, feeling relieved. That obviously shows he remembers some of it.

Kazuya frowns, scrunching up his face in an effort to recall the argument Eijun said they had but he can't remember it at all. The strange thing is, his head feels perfectly clear and intact, not hazy as one would expect from memory loss.

"What was the fight about?"

Eijun winces inwardly, not wanting to remember it, especially not since the only thing repeating in his mind from the time of the accident until now was _Please, let him live_. He wouldn't have been able to live with himself if the last thing he remembers sharing with Kazuya was a fight over something ridiculous.

"We were…it was…" Eijun starts but then stops abruptly. His eyebrows furrow. Strange, somehow his memories of that night are incredibly hazy. He can't recall what the fight was about anymore, only what happened after.

Suddenly, numerous images flood his mind, of Kazuya crying, of a large memorial, of hospital visits, of an unused bed. Of a too quiet apartment with a hauntingly familiar melody floating through it, thin and alone. There's a girl too, a young girl with pigtails and a bright grin. He has never seen her before but she seems familiar.

Kazuya is looking at him expectantly and Eijun forces himself to laugh though he is a bit unsettled and disoriented. Where did that all come from?

"I'm sorry, I don't remember either. But it's not that important right now, right?" he adds, then huffs when Kazuya raises an eyebrow, a small smirk lurking in the corner of his mouth.

"I suppose not."

Eijun bites his lip. His normal response would be to shout in annoyance but this doesn't feel normal, not yet. There's a short silence which he breaks by hugging Kazuya tightly again. Kazuya's arms come up automatically to wrap around Eijun, warm and strong.

"Please don't leave me." Eijun whispers into Kazuya's neck. The adrenaline from seeing Kazuya finally safe and awake is starting to wane and the last three sleepless nights make themselves known. He feels weak and boneless but he doesn't want to leave, not yet. And he wants to make sure that Kazuya doesn't either.

Kazuya has to swallow down tears; he hates being emotional but somehow Eijun always knows how to push his buttons. He's the exception and somehow, he always has been. He cradles the back of Eijun's head against his shoulder and kisses his temple.

"I won't. I promise."

Eijun looks up at the serious tone, leaning forward before he remembers Kazuya is injured. He hesitates.

"Can I kiss you?"

Kazuya almost laughs at that. It's so unlike Eijun to be insecure and the phrase is a familiar one. It wakes fond memories and makes a sense of wonder well up inside him. He can't believe it but now, in a good way. This is too good to be true but he still hopes it is. Kazuya smirks.

"Don't ask, idiot." he says, closing the rest of the distance between them to press his lips to Eijun's. They're warm, a bit dry and chapped. Kazuya doesn't mind one bit.

When they part, Eijun has a soft smile on his face, eyes warm and molten amber. The smile freezes when his attention is grabbed by a weak flickering light from the doorway. His eyes widen as he recognises the young girl standing there, smiling and slightly translucent. She lifts her hand in a wave.

 _Hinata_.

The images.

They're memories.

 _Oh_.

"Eijun?" Kazuya asks, slightly worried when his husband keeps staring at the door. That grabs Eijun's attention though his eyes are still wide with shock.

"Y-yeah?"

"What's wrong?" Kazuya can't help but glance at the doorway but sees nothing out of the ordinary. His grip on Eijun's hands tightens a little. Eijun swallows and, after another fleeting look at the door, smiles at Kazuya in a way that seems a bit too forced. Kazuya narrows his eyes at him. "Did something happen?"

For once, Eijun doesn't know what to say. He opens his mouth but nothing comes out though his thoughts are racing at a hundred miles an hour.

 _I was dead but now I'm not?_

 _I don't know what happened either?_

 _Some higher power let me live?_

"Eijun?" Kazuya prods, growing a bit alarmed at the panic he can see on Eijun's face. His husband shakes his head rapidly.

Eijun licks his lips, suddenly nervous. He doesn't know what words to choose to tell Kazuya or even if he should in the first place. But a look at how worried he is, overlayed with Eijun's freshly acquired memories of grief and heartache on that same face convinces him. He owes Kazuya that much.

"I…I had a strange dream. Wanna hear about it?" Eijun starts, voice thankfully not as shaky as his nerves.

Kazuya's eyebrows shoot upward in surprise at the sudden change in topic but then gives a small grin. He really should be used to it by now, how unpredictable Eijun is, but the fact that he's still able to surprise Kazuya like this is a clear testament to how very much that isn't the case. And somehow, that is and always has been part of his charm.

"Sure."

So Eijun begins recounting his 'dream' haltingly and with many breaks. Kazuya's eyes have grown wide by the time he's done, the grip on his hand so tight his knuckles are white and it hurts. Eijun doesn't complain. He can't quite believe it either, he is so ready to dismiss it as it truly having been a dream, he's sure Kazuya will as well –

"You're…you're telling the truth? I'm not insane?"

"W-what?" Eijun looks at Kazuya in shock. He expected indifference or anger. "No, of course not." He gives a short, un-amused sounding laugh. "If anything, I should be labelled the crazy one here."

Kazuya doesn't reply, instead letting his gaze roam over Eijun's form. He isn't sure if he believes him, but then again, his own memories of the past months are clear, painfully so. He can remember everything in vivid detail, from that drab, mind-numbing funeral to seeing those grief-inducing flashes of Eijun around him, right up to the accident and what happened right before. It was all too surreal. But a part of Kazuya, the one filled with the hope he has never been able to get rid of completely, _does_ believe in what Eijun says. It makes the rest of Kazuya want to believe to.

And somehow, one day, he knows he will.

 **EPILOGUE**

"You're not nervous, are you?"

"What? Of course not."

Kazuya glances over at Eijun, an exasperated but fond look on his face. He reaches over with one hand, taking Eijun's and rubbing calming circles into the back of it.

"This was your idea."

"W-well yeah, but you agreed!" Eijun turns to Kazuya, eyebrow twitching in annoyance. Kazuya smiles in amusement at the reaction. "A-and it's not like this is a one-man job, so –"

"Eijun, calm down."

Eijun pouts, slumping back into the car seat but doesn't let go of Kazuya's hand. A grove between his eyebrows forms, contemplating. Another glance at his face from the side tells Kazuya that he's brooding again. He squeezes his hand.

"It's going to be fine. Okay?"

Eijun squeezes back, smiling faintly and nods.

"Yeah." He looks at Kazuya curiously who is staring straight ahead. "Aren't you nervous? I would've thought out of the two of us you'd be worse at this."

Kazuya doesn't take his eyes off of the road though his grip on the steering wheel tightens a bit. He hesitates slightly before answering though no one but Eijun or perhaps Youichi would notice.

"Of course I am. How could I not be?" He pauses to take a sharp left turn. A brightly coloured house comes into view at the end of the street and he swallows. "I don't know if I'll be any good at this. You, on the other hand? You'll be fine."

Eijun waits until Kazuya has parked the car before fully facing him. He tugs on his hand to gain his attention, smiling when he has it.

"Hey, you said it before. It'll be fine." Eijun takes back his hand and before Kazuya can ask what he's doing, he holds it out to Kazuya again. "We're partners, yeah?"

Kazuya can't help but grin, a hint of nervousness still showing. He takes the offered hand and nods, the grin softening to a smile. He intertwines their fingers so that their rings rest next to each other. The gold has only dulled a little but it's nothing compared to the now excited glint in the amber eyes looking at him.

"Yeah."

Eijun squeezes his hand one more time in reassurance and then lets go. He's already halfway out the car when he flashes Kazuya a wide grin, the determined look on his face not unlike the one he gets when he stands on the mound.

"Let's do this then."

Kazuya takes a deep breath and steps out of the car as well, shooting Eijun a smirk in response. He still by any means isn't calm but he can feel a bit of his confidence returning at the look on Eijun's face. They both look up at the sign attached over the coloured house's entrance, nod at each other once and then enter.

Once inside, they talk to the supervisor's secretary and are promptly led into the heart of the house. Eijun can once again feel his hands go clammy; he would have thought that they would have to wait a bit before being shown around. His nerves don't improve when he starts to hear high voices asking, demanding, talking and laughing with the occasional deeper voice offering an answer or reprimand. He is almost glad he isn't the only one feeling slightly overwhelmed when Kazuya's hand slips into his, equally clammy.

"You'll have to excuse the loudness, it's play time right now." the secretary apologises with an apprehensive smile. "Usually most of them go outside, but since it's cold today…"

She continues, explaining more of the ongoings within the orphanage but Eijun has already stopped paying attention. He lets his gaze wander over the children, smiling at them when they look at him curiously. They look away quickly, embarrassed at having been caught staring. But then Eijun's eyes meet a young child's, a girl's. She doesn't look away, her gaze wide and too knowing for someone her age. She barely looks older than a toddler. There's something incredibly familiar about her and Eijun almost moves as if on autopilot until he's right in front of her.

Kazuya notices him slip away from his side, momentarily distracted from the secretary's explanations as he watches him go. He can barely hear their quiet conversation from where he's standing but what he does hear surprises him. Then he smiles.

It's a smile which hides his memory of lying in a hospital bed about five years ago, five years since his accident, five years since Eijun officially beat cancer with no sign of it coming back. Five years since Eijun told him an unbelievable story which to this day Kazuya wasn't sure he believed. But now, hearing his husband talk to this child, he finally does. Kazuya feels light, like a weight has been lifted off of his chest. It's a smile which expresses his relief, happiness and quiet gratitude.

Eijun crouches down until he's on eyelevel with the little girl. She still has her eyes fixed on his face, the other children surrounding her having quietened to look at the two of them with curiosity. He smiles at them and then reaches his hand out toward her.

"What's your name? I'm Eijun."

She stares at his hand, not taking it but lays her head on the side as she looks at him, as if debating whether she should tell him or not. Then she smiles suddenly and Eijun feels a jolt of recognition run through him. _It couldn't be_ …

"Hinata." she tells him, a small grin on her face. It almost looks secretive. Eijun can just about suppress a laugh, the name not coming as a complete surprise anymore. He feels light and he's sure his face expression shows it. He returns the grin and Hinata finally takes his hand.

"Like the flower." he says, not a question but a fact. She nods.

"It's my favourite."

"I know."


End file.
